


I'm Gonna Show You

by miseryroot



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Drug Abuse, Drug Use, Eventual Lapis Lazuli/Peridot (Steven Universe), F/F, Highschool AU, Implied Sexual Content, No Naughty Details, Recreational Drug Use, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-09
Updated: 2018-03-27
Packaged: 2019-03-02 02:34:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 25
Words: 41,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13308597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miseryroot/pseuds/miseryroot
Summary: Peridot is new to the city. Moving wasn't going quiet well for her, until she met Lapis. Then it got a lot worse.





	1. Chapter 1

It was raining.

It was Peridot's first day of her senior year in high school, and it was raining. The rain wouldn't be that much a problem if not for her mother's blatant refusal to let her use their car when it was raining. Which meant that she needed to take the bus. Which also meant that she was currently running to the bus and trying not to eat gravel by slipping.

She let out a sigh of relief when she made it in time. She went all the way to the back of the bus; getting a few odd looks. She chalked that up to being new. If she knew what everyone else knew Peridot would have realized that line of thinking was faulty. People weren't giving her funny looks because of being new. People were giving her funny looks because she was making a beeline to the back of the bus where Lapis Lazuli was sitting all alone.

Peridot gave the other girl a nod in acknowledgement as she sat down next to her. The bus started taking off, but the tension on the bus only grew as everyone tried not to look at them.

"Sorry about all the looks. I'm new so that's probably why." Peridot explained.

Lapis Lazuli looked up, shaking her head. Peridot took in the other girl's sharp features, her big blue eyes, and her overall atmosphere. The blonde couldn't quite place it, but she knew she'd seen that face somewhere before.

"It's because you're sitting with me. They probably think you're insane, as opposed to you just not knowing who you're sitting with like they do."

Peridot raised her eyebrows, "In my experience most high school kids don't actually _know_ anything. They just assume."

Lapis grinned then looked away, "I guess you'll have to see for yourself."

The bus stopped and everyone rushed for the exit. Peridot grabbed her backpack and followed suit, heading to her new locker to set it up before class started.

The locker next to her's was painted a different shade of gray and had a noticeable dent clearly from a fist. On the part of the locker that was straightened out the word 'whore' was written on it as big as it could be given the lack of space. The blonde assumed she must be locker neighbors with someone who was being bullied.

Surprise was written on her face when said neighbor walked up. It was the girl from the back of the bus. Lapis sighed as she saw the writing. She pulled a cloth out of her backpack and wiped at it. It appeared to be dry erase maker as it disappeared under the pressure of the cloth.

"Are you okay?" Peridot asked, watching as the blue haired stranger opened her locker and shoved her whole bag in it.

"Peachy. Did you see who wrote it?" Lapis asked, taking a notebook out of her locker before slamming it and putting the lock back on.

"No, sorry. I bet it's not true though." Peridot offered meekly, not really knowing what else to say.

"It's subjective." Lapis retorted, "And you won't be saying that at the end of the week. Hell, maybe even the end of the day."

Peridot watched the other girl walk away, and she scurried off to her own class. It was probably best not to get too involved anyways. Besides, her locker neighbor seemed to have it all under control. She had treated what happened like a minor inconvenience, and the way she took care of it told Peridot she'd probably done it a thousand times before.

\--------------

Classes went by and Peridot didn't see Lapis in any of them. She did however have a few classes with her cousin Pearl. When it was time for lunch they headed out together. Peridot was telling her about her weird bus experience and the locker. Pearl looked uneasy about it, but didn't say anything. They got to the cafeteria, grabbing some food and sitting with Pearl's friends.

Peridot retold the story to Amethyst and Garnet when they sat down. Garnet didn't say anything, but Amethyst couldn't keep her mouth shut.

"Damn Peri! Day one and you've already fraternized with Lapis Lazuli!" Amethyst laughed, "Don't get to close though! You might piss off her giant girlfriend. Oh, speak of the devil!"

Peridot looked over to where Amethyst was gesturing. Her eye's took in the tall muscular girl walking over to where Lapis was sitting..

\-----------------------------------

"Hey babe." Jasper mused, grabbing Lapis from behind. The blue haired girl gasped, a look a fear crossing her eyes for just a second before being replaced with anger.

"Hey yourself. One of your girls is writing on my locker again. And all after you wouldn't give me a ride to school and I had to take the bus." Lapis muttered, refusing to look at her girlfriend.

"Don't be that way. And you're my only girl. You know those bitches are just flings."

"Tell them that so they'll stop fucking with my shit. I'm tired of cleaning up after your messes."

Jasper grabbed her arm tightly, pulling her closer until Lapis met her eyes.

"Hey, you haven't even kissed me yet. You're getting on my case and you're not even happy to see me. It's like you don't love me anymore, Laz." Jasper muttered.

"I-I.." a pained expression crossed Lapis' face, shaking her head, "Y-You're right. I'm sorry. Of course I love you. I'm happy to see you, I'll show you."

\----------------------------------

Peridot's jaw dropped as her whole table watched the couple viciously make out from afar. The couple left the cafeteria together shortly after and Peridot tried not to look at Lapis as she passed by.

"They're super into each other. Too bad for Lazuli she's not the only one Jasper's into." Amethyst mused, "I caught her with one of the girls from band. The weird shit is that after that the girl dyed her hair like Lapis and everything."

"Amethyst, stop your rumor mill." Pearl hissed, scowling at the short girl.

"She looked so familiar.. Like I've seen her somewhere before or something." Peridot mumbled, shrugging as she ate her food, "It's kind of bothering me trying to figure out what it was."

Pearl looked away and even Amethyst kept her mouth shut this time. Garnet cleared her throat and everyone focused on her.

"Lapis Lazuli was the girl they found four years ago, after six months of being kidnapped. It was the case where the kidnapper shot himself right in front of her during the hostage negotiation after he'd threatened to kill her."


	2. Chapter 2

_You're staring at her and it's super obvious._

That was what was written on the note Amethyst had passed. Peridot sighed and resolved to just stare at her desk. 

It was the last class of the day and Lapis was sitting in the front of her class taking notes like her life depended on it.

Peridot couldn't stop thinking about her. She'd forgotten about the case of the thirteen year old girl that was found several years ago after her mom stopped freaking out about it.

Peridot had never imagined she would meet her. And Lapis didn't seem super fazed by it. Though the blonde guessed she shouldn't expect her to. She didn't know anything about something like that.

Why were people bullying her though? Sure, Lapis and her girlfriend seemed weird. But after everything that happened to Lapis Lazuli how could people write 'whore' on her locker?

"-Lapis and Peridot. And those will be our groups for this semester. The first draft of your project is due in two weeks. You're dismissed." Their teacher said, finishing up the pairings as the bell rang.

Oh no. Lapis was headed straight for her. What was the project supposed to be about again? The analysis of Frankenstein was all they'd discussed for the hour so she guessed it must be that.

"If we're going to do this project together you're going to have to meet my girlfriend." She announced before she started to walk away, "Let's go. She'll give us a ride to my house."

Peridot shot up, grabbing her stuff and quickly following her new study partner.

"W-wait! Why do I have to meet your girlfriend?"

"Because she'll freak out if I'm hanging out with some new girl she's never even met. Don't worry about it, she likes short girls. She'll get a kick out of you. It'll be a hoot and a half." Lapis muttered, "Besides, neither of us really have a choice."

Peridot's face paled as they walked up to the large girl. Lapis grabbed Jasper's hand and explained the situation.

Her girlfriend's eyes snapped over to Peridot, And she smirked a bit.

"Hey there, I'm Japser. Treat my lady real nice, okay? I'd hate to have to step in if something goes wrong."

"O-of course!" Peridot spat out, shooting a nervous look over at Lapis. All it got her was an eye roll.

"Well, let's go. I've got to get to work so I'll drop you two off at Laz's place for today."

They got into Jasper's jeep and zipped off to Lapis' house. Peridot didn't say a word the whole trip, but Lapis chattered on about everything that happened in the day when her girlfriend wasn't around.

"That's nice, Laz. Oh, and I told Aqua to back off like you wanted. She shouldn't bother you anymore." Jasper stated as she parked in front of her girlfriend's house.

"Good. I'll see you later or tomorrow. Just text me." Lapis deadpanned, kissing Jasper briefly before hopping out of the car.

They walked up to the door and Lapis unlocked it. She locked it again when they got back inside and led Peridot into the kitchen.

"I hope you're good at English because I don't mess around when it comes to my grades." The blue haired girl muttered, grabbing a large bag of pretzels.

"I'm not the best, but I care about my grades too. I do my best to get an A in everything." Peridot replied, looking around the other girl's house.

It was weirdly empty. Everything that was necessary to have was there, but there weren't any decorations or other such personal touches. There was shag carpet everywhere and the rooms were small. The walls had faded spots in the shapes of absent picture frames.

"Good. Let's go to my room and set up." Lapis said, walking down the hallways and up a slim set of stairs.

"Your room is the attic?" Peridot asked, looking around.

There were blankets everywhere, a mattress on the floor, and a small table in the middle of the room on top of a circular rug. There was a big candle in the middle of the table. The label read 'Fresh Laundry' and her study partner's room definitely smelled of detergent.

Lapis gestured sat down at the table and gestured for Peridot to do the same.

"Okay. If we're going to do this you're going to have to ask all your questions now. I know you know. You're not looking at me the same way you did this morning. I'm not going to put up it for part of a year. So out with it."

Peridot frowned, and sat down across from Lapis. What should she ask first? She was pretty sure she shouldn't ask any if the questions she had.

"You were kidnapped and were missing for six months, right?"

Lapis nodded her head solemnly, "Give or take a few days."

"They said he.. assault you... You know, in that way..."

"He did."

"O-okay. Did he really threaten to shoot you? Did he really shoot himself in front of you?"

"Yes, he really shot himself in front of me. He was facing the police, there was blood all over me, the whole nine yards." Lapis sighed, lighting her candle, "And he threatened to shoot me a lot, but if what I'm think is correct you're asking about during the negotiation, right?"

"Right.."

Lapis closed her eyes and took a deep breath in.

"He didn't threaten to shoot me then. He said he was going to kill me. He'd already shot me in the pelvis. That's why he killed himself. The police had stormed forward because they thought I was dead."

"Holy shit.."

"Yeah, holy shit is right. Well, that about sums that up. I need some tea. Do you want tea?" Lapis asked, taking her books out of her bag before standing up.

"S-Sure.. If you don't mind."

Lapis went downstairs and Peridot set her face in her palms.

What the hell was that? What was with this weirdly calm and comfortable atmosphere? Nothing about what they'd talked about was calm or comfortable.

It was unnerving.

When Lapis got back upstairs they began to format their report. 

They'd decided on a good chart to start with and began reading individually. Peridot got to chapter three when she couldn't stay quiet anymore.

"Lapis, I... You.. This isn't okay."

"It wasn't okay." Lapis corrected, "Things get more okay every day."

"Y-yeah.. That's good! I-I'm sorry I don't know what to say." Peridot mumbled, looking up to make eye contact with Lapis.

"In my experience there's never really anything good to say. That's fine, Peridot. I don't exist to make you feel bad. You want to hear something funny?"

"What?" 

"Frankenstein is one of my favorite books. I've read it seventeen times. I could have just had you catch up and work on it the project with me tomorrow." Lapis answered, shrugging.

"So you did all this because of me?"

"No! I just figured it would take a whole afternoon to get you to stop looking at me like a dying puppy! I thought if I could answer your questions then you could start to see me like a normal person and we could finish our project in peace."

Peridot nodded her head slowly, "It wasn't too invasive?"

"It was super invasive. But I talk to my therapist about it every week so I'm more used to it then I used to be. I'm sure she'll tell me my approach to this was all wrong when I see her next." Lapis sighed, leaning back onto the floor.

"What should the approach have been?"

"I don't know. I've never done this before. I never have to talk to anyone but Jasper about anything. I just thought if we had to work on this project I was going to have to talk to you."

"Well... wow. Thanks for being willing to talk to me about it."

"Yeah, let's never do it again."


	3. Chapter 3

Peridot had started to hang out with Lapis a lot more after they'd been working on their project for a few weeks. She alternated days spending lunch with either Pearl and her friends or Lapis and Jasper.

Peridot wasn't the biggest fan of Jasper, but she really liked hanging out with Lapis even if a lot of people questioned it.

Pearl straight up told her it wasn't a very good idea. Lapis had a lot of rumors about her and her reputation wasn't exactly great.

It hasn't gotten Peridot into any trouble yet though, and she didn't really understand why it would. Jasper seemed fine having the blond tag along and Lapis never talked to anyone that she didn't have to. 

Lapis had gotten used to her being around. The girl had insisted that it was because Peridot was her study partner. They would bicker endlessly about Frankenstein and Lapis had even gotten her to question if literature was actually worth the effort it took to study despite her previous distaste for it.

So why was everyone so concerned? Lapis was careful with her words around Peridot and was so committed to Jasper that she was at her girlfriend's beck and call. Though, Peridot did find herself more often than not questioning her new acquaintance's relationship. 

Jasper seemed to be rather rough in general, but she was especially so with Lapis. She'd noticed that Jasper had quite the tendency to pull Lapis along with her, or question the blue haired girl excessively about things that seemed simple.

"You dirty slut!" The insult pulled Peridot right out of her thoughts and she looked toward the source of disruption.

Aquamarine was rushing up to Lapis. They were at their lockers getting ready to go to Lapis' house to study.

"What did you say to Jasper?! She won't talk to me! I know you did something you bitch!" Aqua was seething, getting right up in Lapis' personal space, "You don't even need her all to yourself! Everyone knows you sleep around!"

Lapis just stared down at the angry girl blankly in a bored fashion and shrugged, "I don't know why she's not talking to you. I guess she's just tired of you. She does this. I suggest moving on."

That did not seem to be the answer Aquamarine was after.

This was another thing that alluded Peridot. Jasper definitely wasn't exactly what you'd call faithful, and Lapis seemed to sit at her feet like a dog and take all the punishment that came with it. Even if it wasn't from Jasper herself.

"What did you say?! Fuck you! Everyone would be better off if you'd never been found!"

The hallways fell silent, everyone staring quietly. It was an uneasy feelint to have such a silence in the environment where students would normally slam their lockers shut and scream over each other. But all of a sudden it was like everyone had suddenly and collectively lost their voices. Well, everyone but Peridot.

"How could you say something like that?! This is probably why Jasper won't talk to you. You're a bitch!"

Lapis looked over and shook her head at Peridot as if to tell her not to get involved, but it was far too late. You can't stop a fit of rage in the same way a cat can't stop a speeding car. What was set in motion was, without a doubt, going to stay in motion.

Aqua rushed towards Peridot, fist raised, "Don't you dare talk to me! You're just another one of the sluts this backalley whore picked up!'

But she was stopped short of Peridot's face by Lapis herself.

Lapis had grabbed Aquamarine's elbow and in one swift motion she kneed the shorter girl right in the back. Aqua sputtered, but it didn't mercifully stop there.

Lapis tossed her against a locker and proceeded to kick the hell out of her until she stopped desperately trying to grab at her opponent or get up. It happened so fast no one even had the time to try to stop it. Hearing nothing but the bagging of body hitting metal with the locks jingling in a horrific serenade had definitely halted anyone's thoughts of getting this girl help.

Aqua was curled up on the ground, letting out terrible cries. It didn't seem to phase Lapis in the slightest, though. People rushed off to get help after Lapis had stopped and kneeled down to the ground.

"This was a riveting conversation and all, but I have to go now. I hope this teaches you to leave me alone. I tried to be nice about it."

With that she left, Peridot chasing after her. They quickly left the campus. They got in Peridot's car and drove straight to the taller girl's house.

What the hell just happened? Peridot kept her eyes on the road and only occasionally glanced at the girl next to her, but she seemed totally normal now. It was like nothing even happened. 

It was almost as if the blonde could pretend that her study buddy had not beat the shit out of a girl that was definitely at a disadvantage.

"What was that?"

Lapis looked at her and shrugged, "She was going to punch you."

"Okay but.. wasn't that a bit much?!"

"She's been bugging me long enough anyways. I left it alone, but if she's going to be that way then isn't she asking for it?"

"Lapis it would be one thing if it wasn't just.. brutal. I think she's really, really hurt!" Peridot exclaimed, "And what the hell?! Where did you even learn that?"

As much as Peridot didn't want to she could help but question if Lapis' treatment in captivity nurtured this violent behavior. She couldn't help but wonder how many times had Lapis been stomped into the dirt to make this behavior seem okay.

"I fight with Jasper."

Could that really be the explanation? It seemed much too simple. Peridot learned very quickly that Lapis tended to relay big subjects dismissively and never actually wanted to explain them. Her class partner always seemed to put things simply and blankly, or would even redirect the topic.

"What?!"

"That's how we met." Lapis deadpanned, "Look, I guess I got carried away. She's just so annoying and she was going to punch you. She called you my slut. I'm sick of this. And isn't it better for me to show people they can't just talk badly about you just because you hang out with me? They're wrong."

Peridot bit her cheek and looked out at the road anxiously as she pulled up to Lapis' house. It seemed to be a nice idea that Lapis cared about her. Maybe she did. But did it really end there? The sinking feeling she got in her gut made her feel like she could get Marina's Trench deep and never really know if that was the end all be all truth of the situation.

"It doesn't matter! I'm glad you stopped her from punching me but if that's the consequence... I don't care what people have to say! It's not worth it. We know they're wrong and that's what matters." Peridot sighed, "Maybe she deserved it for the things she said but.. I don't think that makes it right."


	4. Chapter 4

The week following Lapis' incident with Aquamarine things were bad. At first when Peridot would go over to hang out with Lapis and Jasper they would stop their arguing when she got there.

But after a single day Jasper didn't care that she was there anymore and would berate her girlfriend. The third day Lapis didn't care either. She had dealt with it enough to not say anything anymore, even if she didn't want to get into it with Peridot right there.

You see, Lapis never said a bad word about Jasper around Peridot- not that she talked about her much at all when she wasn't there anyways. Jasper and everyone under the sun in their school had never hesitated to talk about Lapis badly though.

Peridot wondered if Lapis kept her relationship so private because it was too stressful to talk about or if she just didn't want the blonde involved. It was hard to tell.

Now they were fighting all the time, and the more they fought the rougher Jasper was with Lapis. Not just in general like before but romantically as well.

Peridot would see her study partner try to pull away from a kiss only to be grabbed and held into place. She would see Lapis shake and become silent when she finally could get away.

Peridot couldn't figure out why Lapis never avoided her girlfriend when things were like this. How could she be so willing to be around her? It almost seemed like a challenge. Maybe she was trying to prove to Jasper that she wasn't scared, or trying to pretend like things were somewhat normal.

The blonde knew that Lapis could fight back. She'd seen exactly how capable she was in a fight. She couldn't figure out what Lapis was thinking.

"I'm just saying you didn't have to beat her into the ground! It was a lot of trouble dropping her off at the emergency room!" Jasper snapped, right in Lapis' face.

"It never would have happened if you could have kept her in line!"

Peridot sighed, and decided that reading Frankenstein would be better than listening to this. It felt like it was never going to end.

\-----------------------

Jasper slammed the door on the way out of Lapis' house and then slammed the screen door as well, effectively breaking it.

Peridot had just gotten there, quite confused about what she was seeing. Jasper looked at her and glared before getting in her vehicle to leave.

The blonde rolled her eyes and headed inside the house. She could hear Jasper's tires squeak as she sped off.

"Hey! I'm here!" Peridot called up the stairs before going into Lapis' room.

Her project partner was sitting there, looking down at the ground. Her shirt was hanging off her having been ripped almost entirely in half. She was wearing a tank top but that didn't cover the assortment of bruises on the skin that were visible, including two big sets of bruises in the shape of hands on her upper arms.

They were deep red and purple. Peridot knew that meant that they were still bleeding, and since they were still red she knew they were pretty fresh.

Peridot could feel rage bubbling up inside her and for the first time in her life it was for someone other than herself.

"That bitch! How could she do this?! Where did she go?! We should call the police!"

Lapis flinched at the shorter girl's screams and shook her head.

"No! No police. Come here." Lapis' voice sounded distorted, "Please..."

Please. Lapis said please and asked for something from her. This wasn't right. Lapis wasn't like this. She didn't ask for anything from anyone but Jasper. She did everything on her own and she never lowered herself to begging.

Peridot started crying and quickly complied with the request. She sat in front of Lapis, and the blue haired girl slumped forward.

Peridot took in a sharp inhale, eyes wide as she felt Lapis' head land on her shoulder and the weight of her body as she leaned into the blonde.

She could feel her study partner shaking, and could tell how hard it was for her to breathe. Peridot wanted to kill Jasper right in this second.

It was the first time Lapis had ever had physical contact with her and it was all because of whatever horrible thing happened.

"What did she do?!" Peridot cried. She had to know. She couldn't stand not knowing because if it was worse than she thought.. Peridot didn't know what to do if it was worse than she thought, but she had to know what happened.

"Nothing. I didn't let her do anything. That's why I have these bruises and my shirt..." Lapis trailed off. Her voice sounded far away and tired.

"You should rest. I'll get you some ice for your bruises." Peridot declared, pulling away. Then Lapis shocked her again. She felt the blue haired girl's hands gently grasp onto her shoulders.

"Please don't leave me. The bruises don't hurt very badly. I'll rest, but please stay with me. I don't want to be alone."

Peridot's face scrunched up and tears rained down it. She grabbed Lapis' hands and agreed. Lapis crawled over to her bed and Peridot did the same. Her study partner pulled the ripped shirt off and tossed it out of sight then curled up into a ball next to the blonde the best she could.

Peridot texted her mom to let her know she wasn't coming home. She stayed there and held Lapis' hand until she fell asleep. The blonde noticed how Lapis didn't look relaxed even while she was dreaming and it made her heart feel like it was being crushed. 

There were many things that night that Peridot didn't want to think about, but the worst thoughts were simple. What would have happened to Lapis if she was alone? What if Jasper hadn't known that Peridot was going to be there at some point that day? What if it was worse?

\--------------------------

"Peridot. Wake up. Peridot."

The blonde groaned, and opened her eyes to see a pretty, muffled figure above her.

"An angel?" Peridot mumbled, rubbing at her eyes.

"No you dolt. It's just me." Lapis muttered. She was sitting next to Peridot, as close as she could be. And she was still holding her hand.

"Why am I..?" Peridot began to asked, but then her memories of the day before quickly came back to her. She gasped and looked at Lapis' arms. The bruises weren't red anymore, just a deep purple.

Lapis looked and sounded back to normal for the most part now. If not for the extremely paranoid look in her eyes, the bruises on her arms, and the fact that she still wanted to be touching Peridot in some way the blonde would have thought Lapis was perfectly fine.

"Good morning. Did you get in trouble for staying here? I thought it might be okay because it was Friday but I wasn't sure. I could make my father call your mom if it's necessary." Lapis offered, getting up and letting go of the blonde's hand to put a sweater on.

"No, it's okay. She was glad I stayed the night at a friend's house that cared about studying. I'm sort of nervous to tell her who you are though. I don't know what to do about it. I don't want what happened with the news to form her opinion of you." Peridot sighed, "But I know I'm probably not going to be able to explain properly."

Lapis nodded her head, staring out the curtain covering the window with a thoughtful expression on her face.

"It's okay. Everyone's opinion of me is formed by what happened when I was thirteen. If you're worried about what to say, don't be. I'll go with you and we can explain it together in exchange for you having stayed here with me." Lapis declared, pulling the curtain away from the window, "Also I'd like to stay at your house. I still don't want to be alone yet."


	5. Chapter 5

Peridot's mom promptly freaked out once she realized who Lapis was, but she seemed to panic even more at the information that her father was almost never home.

So when Peridot asked if Lapis could stay the night Peridot's mother said that she could stay whenever she wanted and gave Lapis her phone number in case of emergencies.

Peridot wondered how much as emergency her mom would have considered the other night. She sighed and pushed away the thought. She showed Lapis around her house, her room being the last stop on the tour.

Peridot's room was moderately sized in total, but small with all her furniture in it. Her computer desk took up a considerable amount of space.

The blonde quickly picked up a bunch of laundry off the floor, shoving it into the basket with a nervous chuckle.

Lapis didn't seem to mind though. She promptly walked to Peridot's bed and grabbed the blonde's alien plushie to bury her face in.

"That was so draining. Are all older women like that? They fuss so much. Every nurse or doctor I've ever met was the same." Lapis mumbled, slipping her shoes off to put her feet up on the bed as well.

"Sort of. Not all of them, but that's how a lot of moms can be. It's nice sometimes." Peridot shrugged, sitting next to Lapis, "Sorry about it though."

"Did she mean what she said? That I could come over here whenever?"

"Yeah, of course. She's probably super pissed at your dad for leaving you alone so often." Peridot confirmed.

"A lot of people probably feel that way. Jasper thought it was weird too. But the truth is that it's better he's gone. I can't stand to see him, and he just about feels the same." Lapis muttered, "I wasn't his little girl anymore after I came back."

"Lapis.. what are you going to do about Jasper?" The blonde asked, shuffling uncomfortably.

"Nothing. It was a bad night. We'll move past it."

"What?! Bad night?! Look at your arms. She tried to-"

"I know. But she didn't. She couldn't. I've had way worse things happen to me. Jasper is the only person I have. She cares about me." Lapis rationalized.

"She's not the only person. I care too." Peridot argued, "I was so angry when I saw what she did to you I wanted to kill her. You can't say that she cares about you after what she did."

"She'll apologize and be more careful. I'm sorry that you care Peridot. You should really stop. I've got a lot of problems. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have relied on you."

"Don't say that! And you don't just stop caring about people for no reason! That's not how feelings work. You are my friend.. so you can rely on me! You matter to me.. I want to help if I can."

"Your friend.. Friends.." Lapis murmured.

She looked so confused and conflicted. Peridot had never seen anyone look so troubled by the concept of friendship. It hurt her feelings a bit if she was being honest. But on that note of honesty, she had noticed that Lapis was confused by a lot of personal relationships.

Peridot also noticed that the only people Lapis ever mentioned were Jasper, their teachers, her doctors, and her dad. She was starting to realize that Lapis was not exaggerating when she said Jasper was the only person she had.

Of course she would think that when her world was so small and especially with all the people like Aquamarine who were only negative aspects of her life. 

Then a horrible thought crept into her mind. This wasn't the first time, was it? It wasn't the first time Jasper had done this to Lapis.. Her study partner was so quick to assure her that Jasper would apologize and would be careful.

But Lapis never said she would stop. 

Peridot could feel her stomach turning terribly, and she resisted the urge to vomit. It wasn't the first time. And all of those other times when Jasper left Lapis was all alone.

"I'm not going to leave you by yourself. I can't. We're friends." Peridot voice was shaking and she hasn't even realized her was crying until the tears hit her cheeks.

She looked over at Lapis and was surprised when she saw her crying as well. Her study partner was suddenly much, much closer to her.

Lapis wrapped her arms around Peridot in a cautious and careful embrace. She let out a small gasp in surprise when Peridot's arms wrapped around her waist tightly.

Lapis felt that familiar sensation of panic before she realized that there wasn't any aggression behind this action. Peridot's gasp was firm, but not malicious.

Peridot didn't want to hurt her or use her. Peridot was there for her, and she wanted to continue to be there for her. She was her friend.

Lapis' hands shook as she tightened her own grip a bit as well.

"Thank you for being my friend."

\-------------------------------------

Peridot and Lapis spent the whole weekend and week together. Lapis didn't want to go home and the blonde was sort of worried about what would happen if she did.

They'd gone and picked up a bunch of Lapis' stuff and all the money her dad had left her for the month. When they got to her room there was a note sitting there with a new shirt.

Lapis had read it, but she didn't say anything about it to Peridot. She left the apology gift there.

Peridot learned a lot about Lapis in that time. 

She learned that Lapis could cook really well, that she worked out every single day and that she was working for a scholarship.

She learned Lapis cooked on Wednesday when Lapis offered to make dinner for her and her mom. They were both over the moon about it since they hated cooking and Lapis even smiled a bit as they ate.

She learned Lapis worked out everyday on Sunday. Peridot promptly freaked out about it, worried about her friend's arms. 

Lapis just rolled her eyes and said two days was enough of a break for her. It wasn't long before Peridot was joining her in a sad attempt to follow the same routine. But it made the blonde happy when Lapis said she was getting better.

She learned about the taller girl was aiming for a scholarship when Lapis insisted on going to school on Monday even if it meant likely running into Jasper.

Surprisingly enough to Peridot, Jasper didn't try to approach Lapis at all. There were times where the blonde would see them looking at each other across the hall or parking lot.

Lapis wouldn't say anything about it though. 

It wasn't until Friday that Jasper decided to confront the situation.

Peridot and Lapis were chatting about Frankenstein as they sorted through their lockers and decided what books they needed to take home for the weekend. 

"Hey Lapis."

Both girls turned around to look at Jasper, the blonde glaring up at her and scowling.

"Jasper." Lapis acknowledged, "How are you?"

"How am I?! Terrible! You haven't been home in a week! I know I said I'd wait until you were ready to talk to me but I can't stand this!" Jasper muttered, "Especially with blondie over here acting all cozy with you."

"I'm not ready to talk, just like how I'm not ready to be home. That's all." Lapis deadpanned, shrugging.

"Lapis please! I'm so sorry! It'll never happen again!" Jasper reached out and grabbed Lapis' wrist, "I love you Lapis. You've got to believe me. I'm going insane without you."

Peridot stomach tightened at the sight of Lapis being grabbed. She looked at her friend only to see that Lapis' eyes were blank and lifeless. They didn't carry any emotion in them.

Just the reflection of her attacker begging for forgiveness. Lapis' form began to shake and her breathing was uneven.

Jasper let go immediately, realizing her actions were definitely going to make Lapis less inclined to forgive her any time soon.

Lapis backed up into her lockers at she tried to take deep breaths to prevent a panic attack.

"I'm sorry Lapis. Take your time.. I love you. I'll do anything for you to forgive me." That was the last thing Jasper said before she left.

Lapis grabbed Peridot's hand and Peridot held it firmly. The blonde started talking about how excited she was for dinner now that Lapis said she'd cook again and how greatful her mom was to have her around.

She chattered on about how her body was sore from working out, but how she was excited she was getting stronger.

And, oh yeah, what books did they need this weekend?

"I-I need my math book and zoology book. Don't forget to grab your copy of Frankenstein." Lapis murmured, before letting go of Peridot's hand to grab her books.

Peridot nodded and grabbed her own books before the two girls left the school. Lapis didn't seem to fully relax until they got inside Peridot's house.

They didn't say anything as Peridot sat in the kitchen reading Frankenstein while Lapis started getting everything together for dinner.

Peridot helped whenever Lapis asked for assistence. Lapis studied with Peridot as their food cooked in the oven.

Peridot smiled when she looked up at Lapis. The emotion was back in her eyes and she looked baffled at the subject work, but she was there.

And that was what mattered.

\------------------------------------------

They'd gone outside to work out a little while after they ate dinner. Peridot was having a hard time keeping up with Lapis.

The taller girl seemed more into the workout then she was in the days before so keeping up with her speed and accuracy was becoming difficult.

Peridot was trying to keep up with the pace but suddenly she felt herself trip and her eyes widened as she started to fall face first at the pavement instead of the grass.

Then she felt a hand grab her's and pull. She gasped and looked back at Lapis. Her friend had pulled her close. She could see in panic in Lapis' eyes.

She was holding Peridot tightly to her and she looked so concerned.

"Are you okay? You almost hit your head! You scared me." 

Peridot could feel her cheeks get warmer and warmer. Lapis had never held her like this before, and her eyes were glued to Peridot.

The blonde could feel her heart beating rapidly as she nodded.

"Y-yeah! You saved me!"


	6. Chapter 6

Peridot was totally not hiding in her closet from her friend. Absolutely not. Because that was something that cowards would do. 

That was something someone with something to hide would do. 

Her lip quivered as she heard Lapis' call her name out from the door frame of her room. It was only a matter of time.

How could things have escalated so quickly?

\------------------------------------------

"Peridot! Peridot wake up you need to get ready!"

"I will!" The blonde called out from under the covers.

"You said that five minutes ago! It's time." Lapis announced, crawling on top of the covers. She pulled the duvet back.

Peridot gasped, feeling knees land on either side of her. Her torso shot up and suddenly she was nose to nose with her friend.

"If that was all it took I would have done it sooner." Lapis was unfazed by their closeness. 

"I'll get up on my own next time if this is what you're going to do." Peridot mumbled as Lapis got off of her.

"That would be excellent." Lapis retorted as she shoved her books and notebooks into her bag.

Peridot stood up and rushed off to the bathroom, locking the door behind her.

How could it effect her so much? So what if they were so close? They were friends. So why did it bother her so much to have Lapis right there? To be centimeters apart?

Peridot felt her face heat up and she scowled. Emotions were the worst. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------

Lapis and Peridot had quickly eaten breakfast and drove off to school. Another week had passed without any interference from Jasper thus far.

Lapis had finally confided that she did miss her girlfriend, but that she still wasn't ready to talk to her. It burned Peridot to know that her friend could miss the person that attacked her.

The day was going fairly normally and Lapis was even willing to sit with everyone. Though she made it clear that it was just for today.

It was an awkward lunch, and it left Peridot happy but also frustrated.

Lapis was awkward because she was uncomfortable. Everyone else was awkward because they didn't know how to interact with someone they actively avoided and Amethyst even gossiped about.

It also didn't help that people kept looking at them weirdly as they tried to have lunch.

"That didn't go as well as I'd hoped." The blonde admitted as they went to their lockers.

"That's why I said only for today. It's just uncomfortable. And we're still getting people staring at us for hanging out. Besides, I don't want to be friends with them. Just you." Lapis sighed, "I'll see you later."

Peridot waved as Lapis walked off to her class, smiling a little bit.

Lapis just wanted to be friends with her.

It made her feel warm inside.

She closed the door of her locker and began to walk to her own class. But on her way there someone grabbed her.

"We need to talk." 

Jasper. The blonde's blood ran cold as the hallways emptied.

"Actually, I don't think we do!" Peridot snapped as she regained her courage, pulling her arm away from Jasper's grasp.

"Is that so? Well that's too bad. See, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that if Lapis isn't home there's only two places she could go. She could stay at a motel for a couple nights or she could be at your house."

"So now you're stalking her?" Peridot muttered, glaring up at the taller girl.

"I have every right to know where she is. She's my girlfriend." Jasper retorted.

Peridot rolled her eyes and began to turn away.

"You're sleeping with her."

The accusation made her stop instantly. Her? Sleeping with Lapis? Her cheeks erupted red and she could hear Jasper laughing.

"No, you haven't. No one would blush like that after sleeping with her and seeing her. But you want to. I think we could make a deal." 

"What the hell are you talking about?" Peridot hissed.

"Bring me up with her. If she's thinking about me she'll run back to me. And when she does give me a couple weeks. I'll 'break up' with her and she'll run to you." Jasper mused, "Then I'll take her back and she'll be none the wiser. Both of us will have what we want."

Peridot's face paled more and more as her friend's girlfriend painted this hideous picture for her.

"You're sick." It was all Peridot managed to get out before staggering off to class.

"You're an idiot! She'll never go for you! This is your chance!"

Peridot didn't respond.

\-----------------------------------------------

The blonde had managed to pull it together and go about the rest of her day normally. She knew she had to tell Lapis. She just wasn't ready to yet.

She sighed and got up from her computer desk. She pulled her headphones off and looked around. Lapis wasn't there. She shrugged.

Her friend was probably reading a book in the living room, curled up with the house cat. Lapis tended to do that whenever Peridot was online.

Peridot headed toward the bathroom and opened the door to reveal Lapis in her underwear and a bra, pulling her shirt off. 

Peridot blushed as she took in the sight, and even more as Lapis turned around.

"Peridot?!"

Then she saw it. Low on Lapis' stomach was a mangled scar. The one from when she was shot, from the day they found her.

 _"No one would blush like that after sleeping with her and seeing her."_ Jasper's words hit her like a ton of bricks. Was that what she had meant?

Lapis covered it with her hands the best she could, "Get out!"

"S-Sorry!" Peridot cried as she quickly closed the door.

The blonde could hear the shower start up and she took off to her room and got into the closet.

She was an idiot. She was such an idiot. The look on Lapis' face was terrible. Her friend looked so.. pained and afraid. And this time it was her fault.

The blonde curled up and cried.

\-----------------------------------------------------

"Peridot."

This time it was right outside the closet.

"I can hear you crying. Please come out."

Peridot sniffled, wiping at her eyes. She opened the closet and stood up.

"You saw it, didn't you?" Lapis asked, frowning.

The blonde nodded her head slowly and mirrored her friend's frown. Lapis sighed and sat down on her sleeping bag, patting the spot next to her.

Peridot went and sat next to her, not sure what to say or how to apologize for this.

"It's ugly, huh? Must have been scary to see."

"It's on you, and you're not ugly." Peridot mumbled, "It was a little scary. I don't know. It looks painful."

"You're such a dolt." Lapis smiled and let out a little huff of laughter, "It's not. Not anymore."

Peridot reached out and grabbed Lapis' hand.

"I'm sorry that I just walked in and for looking at you."

Lapis gripped her hand back and shook her head.

"It's okay. I didn't lock the door. You don't really have to when you live alone so I just sort of forgot about it. Why were you staring?"

"You're pretty." Peridot whispered, looking away.

Lapis laughed again, loudly this time, "You're hysterical Per."

"I'm serious Lapis!" Peridot huffed.

Lapis was silent for a while. The blonde looked at her, taking in her expression. Wet, blue hair framed that pained smile and those sad eyes. 

"You always say nice stuff. You're so different from her." Lapis murmured.

"Jasper?"

"Yeah."

"Lapis.. I've got to tell you something." And with that Peridot spilled the whole story. 

Lapis didn't look surprised, but she was silent for a few moments. Peridot hated that her friend never looked surprised when something terrible happened.

"I suppose it's time to deal with all of this then. I was hoping I could stay here a little longer. It's like a dream, you know? Being here with you and your mom. Your house is warm and normal. I stayed too long. I just couldn't bring myself to leave." Lapis murmured.

"You don't have to leave! No one is going to make you go. We like having you here." Peridot said quickly, frowning, "What are you talking about?"

"I can't. I'm going to get back together with Jasper and go home to my real life. She's already started plotting. It's only a matter of time before something worse happens." Lapis sighed, laying down on the floor.

"Lapis you really shouldn't go back to-"

"I know. But I was always going to. I miss her and we belong together. It's inevidable."

Peridot scowled, "But she hurts you! She plots against you and treats you like an object! She tried to force you to-"

"I know! I know Peridot.. But in her way she does love me. And look at me. I'm just.. ruined. I don't have anything good to offer anyone. But she still wants me. We deserve each other."

Lapis let go of the blonde's hand and Peridot shook as she watched her friend pack up her stuff.

"You don't love her." The blonde muttered.

"What?"

"You don't love her! You said all those things and said that she loves you, but you never said that you loved her!" Peridot cried, "S-so if what you want is someone to want you.. Then stay. Please. I want you too."

Lapis looked stunned. She dropped her bag and walked over to the blonde slowly. She brought her hands up to caress Peridot's face.

Peridot's heart skipped a beat. She couldn't breathe.

"I can't do this to you. I'm sorry, Per."

Then she was gone.


	7. Mirror Minded

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for mental illness, depression, suicidal thoughts and basically anything.

Lapis staggered out of the building that held her therapist's office and towards Jasper's car. Her girlfriend never said anything after these appointments.

Usually she went alone. She would take the bus or walk all the way there if she was really dreading it. 

But Jasper was fiercy attached to her right now because they'd gotten back together the day before. The only places she wasn't following Lapis was the bathroom and her therapist's office.

It was exhausting in a way it never had been before. Usually she was happy to have Jasper cling to her when they got back together since she was all alone when they weren't.

That wasn't the case this time. Peridot was there. She didn't miss Jasper in that suffocating way that she had before. It was a dull, pained feeling instead. Like that feeling you get when something is missing.

She wasn't in a hurry to be by Jasper's side. Which was why her girlfriend decided it would be appropriate to try to plot with her friend.

Lapis pulled her seatbelt on and opened the window as they drove back to her house. The wind felt comforting on her face and running through her hair. 

She didn't notice Jasper looking over at her so she was surprized when they parked in front of her house and an hand grabbed her face.

Lapis felt that familiar sense of panic and dread wash over her. She tried to block it out as Jasper pulled her into a rough kiss. She couldn't stop her hands from shaking.

"I'll pick you up tomorrow morning. I promise I won't be late so don't leave without me. Love you, Laz." 

Lapis nodded her head as they both played pretend that she wasn't paler than a ghost. Their performance of ignoring that her hands were shaking so bad it took her several minutes to open the car door was excellent.

Acting like it was totally normal that she practically ran into her house to hide went off without a hitch.

Lapis rushed to her room. She grabbed a lighter and her candle. She took them back downstairs to the bathroom.

She lit the candle and then sat down on the cold tile floor. She was trying to pull it together. The first few days back with Jasper were difficult sometimes, but never like this.

Typically Jasper would leave and give her a day to herself. Then she'd get a hold of Lapis, all apologies for everything and more. She'd tell Lapis to take all the time she needed and that she loved her.

Lapis would spend a few days alone, but she would be all alone. She would start to doubt herself. It wasn't that bad, right? It was just a mistake, right? After all, Jasper loved her.

Another few days would go by and Lapis would start to push the attack to the back of her mind. Those ugly memories didn't belong anywhere near the thoughts of her girlfriend.

All Lapis could think about was how patient Jasper was, how accepting. Jasper wanted her, even after everything. Jasper taught her how to keep herself safe. 

How could she think so badly about her girlfriend? Jasper loved her. Of course it was all a mistake.

Then they would get back together. Occasionally Lapis would be a little wary around Jasper for the first few days.

But never like this.

No, it was never even slightly like this. Lapis wasn't alone this time. Peridot had held her and helped her. Peridot was even angry for her.

The blonde held her hand through fits of anxiety and would let Lapis cling to her if she was scared, even if it was in the middle of the night.

Peridot made Lapis her friend, a thing that she had not had since she was thirteen. Before everything happened.

Lapis didn't feel lost and alone without Jasper this time. She missed her girlfriend, but for the first time she wasn't in a horrible place without her.

Lapis sighed, flicking the cog of the lighter. She couldn't feel herself getting any calmer, even with the scent of her candle in the air and the cold tiles against her legs.

This time she couldn't conveniently forget what Jasper had done. It wasn't just something that was in her mind. Peridot knew what happened, too. Somehow that served to make it much more real than it ever had been before.

Lapis threw her lighter at the tub, getting agitated by the lack of relief it was bringing. She wished Peridot was there. But..

_"I want you too."_

Her stomach turned and she crawled over to the toilet as her face got paler and paler.

The dry heaving only lasted for a moment until the heaving wasn't dry anymore. She could feel hot tears roll down her face as she emptied the contents of her stomach.

Lapis gasped for air when it was over, and relaxed her iron clad grip on the toilet. She stood up, shaking as she washing her hands, then brushed her teeth to get the taste of bile out of her mouth.

She tried to wipe away the tears, but they wouldn't stop falling. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Peridot was her friend. 

Peridot was the only person that hadn't wanted to use her or hurt her. So why did it have to be like this? And why did she have this feeling?

When the blonde had first said it she felt so happy, so lucky even if a big part of her did believe that Peridot only said it to try to keep her away from Jasper.

But she got home and paranoia blossomed. Suddenly those words weren't so warm, weren't so innocent. 

_"I want you too."_

She was suddenly increasingly afraid of what those words meant. Lapis stared at her reflection. Was it this body that made people evil?

That man wanted her badly enough to take her, Jasper wanted her badly enough to attack her. Was it her fault all along? 

She'd questioned this when she was first free. If it was her fault. She was told it was a natural worry that many victims had. Lapis had worked hard in therapy to get past it.

Then after what started to happen with Jasper she questioned it again, and it was worse than before. She couldn't talk to anyone about it. Jasper could be arrested.

Now she was face to face with the idea again. Could she be ruining Peridot? Corrupting her? Could she just be some form of evil put on Earth to turn humans into monsters?

Lapis pulled open the medicine cabinet at that last thought. It had been a long time since she'd had an episode, but there was no way that last thought was normal.

She tried to pour out two of the xanax into her hand to mellow these thoughts, but they all poured out at once. Lapis stared at the pile, her mind toying with the idea of taking all of them.

_I'd never have to worry about any of this ever again. I'm so tired. It's not fair. I just want it to stop._

She closed her eyes tightly, and counted down from a hundred. She opened her eyes, hands shaking as she poured the tiny off brand pills back into their bottle before taking three.

It was her recommended amount for when she got like this and only then. She put the bottle away and stared at her reflection until she couldn't stand to anymore.

She blew out her candle and sat in the bathtub, counting until she fell asleep.

\--------------------------------------------

"Laz! Lapis! Wake up!"

Her head hurt and it took a moment for her eyes to focus. Jasper was standing above her, looking rather annoyed. 

"Laz what the hell are you doing in the tub?" Jasper questioned. 

"Nothing. Give me a minute to get ready okay? I'm sorry." Lapis rasped, voice dry and cracking.

Lapis ran upstairs to change. She put on the shirt Jasper got her to appease her weirded out girlfriend. 

She felt much calmer today than she was before, it felt easier to be around Jasper. Normally waking up to anyone above her would have sent her into a panic.

She realized the pills must not have quite worn off yet as she was getting her bag together as quickly as she could.

She grabbed the bottle on her way out the door.


	8. Chapter 8

Peridot didn't want to go to school. The weekend was over, and the two day without Lapis had taken their toll on the blonde.

Not to mention coming to terms with the fact that she had very vaguely admitted to being enamoured by Lapis. Peridot scowled, cheeks red at the memory of her friend's hands on her face.

She pushed away the thought, sitting in the parking lot. She didn't want to go through those doors. She didn't want to face her friend. And she definitely didn't want to see Jasper all over Lapis.

There was no other option, though. She couldn't just skip school and if she wanted to see Lapis at all today she would have to go into that building.

As embarrassed as Peridot was, she missed Lapis twice as much. She also needed to see Lapis to confirm she was okay. Her friend hadn't responded to any of Peridot's texts, nor had she answered any calls.

The only way to confirm Lapis was unharmed was to see her in person, and she really didn't want to have to go to her friend's house. Peridot felt like that would be way worse than just seeing her at school.

She had imagined it going badly. That it would be awkward and painful. But she couldn't have anticapated how much.

Lapis was wearing that horrible shirt. The one Jasper got her after what she did to replace the one she had ripped apart. Peridot felt the need to vomit and punch something at the same time.

The blonde also noticed that her friend's hair was all messed up. She wanted to be the her last week. The Peridot last week would have known without a doubt that Lapis' hair wasn't messed up because she was sleeping with someone, it was just coincidental. She might have even fixed it.

The Peridot now wasn't so sure, and it left her feeling miserable. Like her feelings were being stomped on right in front of her. She knew that wasn't fair. She knew Lapis wasn't her girlfriend and she didn't have a right to feel that way. But it still hurt.

"Hey Lapis.. I'm glad you're okay."

It took a second for Lapis to look at her, and when she did Peridot had wished she had held off saying that last word.

Lapis' pupils were dilated. They looked like they had that day Jasper had attacked her. But that didn't make any sense because there was nothing to be afraid of, and Lapis didn't look scared.

In fact, Peridot hadn't ever seen Lapis look so relaxed. Her body language was entirely different than usual. Her friend's motions were always tense anywhere but at home, and even then she never seemed entirely relaxed. Lapis didn't even look at peace when she was asleep.

But now the taller girl looked completely at ease. When she'd first looked at Peridot she seemed so confused, and her eyes couldn't focus.

"Peridot.. Hey.." 

She sounded a million miles away. Peridot was sure that there was no way Lapis was okay. This was not normal at all.

The blonde was having a hard time figuring it out, though. The way Lapis was acting was so weird it was like she was high or something.

Oh no. The dilated pupils, the strange speech pattern, the change in body language, and the way she looked so out of it all made sense suddenly. Peridot's friend was definitely high.

"What's wrong? You don't seem like yourself. Are you," the blonde looked around and leaned in to whisper the last word, "high?"

"I-" Lapis began, but the bell cut her off, "I have to go to class, sorry."

\--------------------------------------------

Peridot spent lunch that day doing her best to avoid looking over at Japser and Lapis looking rather cozy.

The thin girl was leaning into Jasper, eyes closed. Lapis' girlfriend had her arm wrapped around her in Jasper's typically possessive fashion.

The sight was making the blonde sick and unable to eat her lunch. She wanted to leave so she wouldn't have to see it, but she also didn't want to be alone.

"Amethyst, do you want to get food from the taco shack down the streeet?" 

Pearl and Garnet would make her talk about her feelings, but Peridot had noticed that Amethyst was never pushy when someone didn't want to talk.

"You think we have enough time?" 

"I'll drive." Peridot offered. 

So they left the cafeteria. Peridot couldn't resist taking one last peak at Lapis, but when she looked she noticed Jasper glaring at her. It was unsettling.

"Ugh, don't you hate that they're back together?" Amethyst spoke up, "I totally thought that since they broke up maybe Lapis wouldn't be in the fights this year and I was starting to look forward to it."

"Fights?" the blonde asked, unlocking her car.

"Yeah. Man, I forgot you're still new here. There's this group of girls that fight every year. I'm one of them! It's a little sketchy because it's run by a bunch of rich guys that want to see young girls beat the tar out of each other, but the money is great."

Peridot drove in silence as she listened to Amethyst go on and on.

"So when Lapis was acting so strange and wasn't getting back together with Jasper I though maybe she wouldn't be in the group this year. I think I'm strong enough to take on Jasper now, but Lapis is scary."

Peridot thought about when Lapis had kicked Aquamarine into the ground and nodded her head slowly. 

Now it made sense why Lapis worked out every day for so long, and how she was able to take down Aqua so quickly. 

She still didn't see how Lapis could be scarier than Jasper, though. So she decided to ask.

"Lapis isn't normal. Like everyone else is scared of getting hit, or at least when they do get hit they react like normal. But she doesn't. She doesn't flinch, and she barely even looks hurt when she gets hit." Amethyst frowned.

"One of her techniques is to let you hit her so you're closer and less guarded. She's like a monster. Everyone thinks it's because of when she got taken. Whatever that guy did to her must have been bad."

\--------------------------------------------

Peridot couldn't stop herself from staring at Lapis the whole time in class. She couldn't focus. Today came with the shocking reality that she didn't know Lapis that well.

Which she already knew since they'd only known each other for a little over a month. She didn't like having it shoved in her face though.

Drugs and fighting were suddenly a part of Lapis. Peridot didn't know how to feel about it, but she knew she didn't like not being able to talk to her friend. She couldn't wait to chat and work on their project after class. 

The bell rang and she rushed over to Lapis' desk to find her asleep. Peridot frowned. She didn't want to wake her friend up and startle her. 

Their teacher was glaring at them though. Peridot reached her hand out and set it on Lapis' shoulder to shake it lightly. 

"Back off." Jasper's voice cut through the air suddenly as she walked into the room, "I've got her."

She grabbed her girlfriend's bag first, then picked Lapis up as well. The blue haired girl barely moved.

Peridot felt paralysed. She didn't want Jasper to take Lapis. She was worried about what could happen, especially with Lapis in this state. 

She couldn't say anything though, and she couldn't stop Jasper. She didn't even know if Lapis would be okay with her trying to.

As she hesitated and tried to figure out what to do Jasper walked off.

Peridot followed after them, but Jasper turned back and glared at her for the second time that day.

"What do you not understand about the words 'back off'. She's mine, got it? She always will be. She always chooses to be with me." Jasper snapped, doing her best not to raise her voice so she wouldn't wake up Lapis.

"O-our project-"

"Bullshit. She can't even stay awake today, she definitely can't work on some stupid project."

"I can't let you hurt her!" Peridot blurted out.

Lapis started moving and grumbling before cuddling closer to her girlfriend and returning to her peaceful slumber.

Jasper smirked, "Does it look like she's concerned about it?"


	9. Buried Deep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three updates in two days. I can't seem to stop writing or thinking about this fanfiction.

Lapis yawned, shifting her weight as she opened her eyes. Her head felt heavy, and she looked around the room trying to remember how she got there.

Jasper was at her side, fast asleep. Things had been good for them lately. Ever since Lapis had been taking her anxiety medication it was almost like when they first got together.

She felt content being around Jasper, and her girlfriend was actually happy to be around her. Jasper hadn't been violent at all, and she wasn't going out and cheating.

With the medication Lapis didn't have to think about all the bad things that had happened between them, or much of anything really. 

Jasper was happy that Lapis was going along with whatever she wanted. The blue haired girl couldn't find a reason to object to anything since Jasper wasn't being forceful.

_Not that you could remember if she was._

She sat up, digging her fingernails into her mattress at the thought. She shook her head violently and got up to make some coffee.

Lapis almost thought about making food, but she attention span hadn't been very good lately and she found herself burning almost everything she tried to cook.

Cooking had also been making her think about Peridot and her mom. Another good benefit to the medications was that she didn't _have_ to think about Peridot.

When she took her medication she had a hard enough time focussing on what was going on right that second. Which worked out well because Jasper didn't want her around the blonde as much.

Whenever she had to think about not hanging out with her friend it made her feel sad. So it was great not to have to think about.

_Yeah, just avoiding any thought process at all will definitely make you happy._

Lapis scowled at the ugly thought, grabbing a coffee mug. The unfavorable thing about the medication was that it wore off, and when it did she started to feel even worse than before.

She poured her coffee and grabbed her homework out of her bag. Lapis and Peridot had been exchanging a notebook for their project and whatever things they needed to talk about.

She worked on it every morning before she took her medication so she wouldn't forget anything and could say exactly what she wanted. Their project was still going really well.

Lapis didn't add too many extra notes, but Peridot added a lot. The blonde would tell her all about how her training was going and how much fun she was having getting to know Pearl and Garnet. 

Peridot especially talked about Amethyst. Lapis didn't know any of them very well, but she probably know Amethyst the best out of all of them. She seemed nice enough, though Lapis wasn't too fond of her.

_'I've been hanging out with her a lot. My mom likes her, but not as much as you. She says Amethyst is too loud. She wants to know when you're going to spend the night again. She's worried about you. And.. I'm worried about you. I miss you.'_

_'Every time I see you you're not like yourself at all. I want to talk to you in person. I know you said Jasper has been really nice to you lately, but every time I think about it I remember that night and I want to cry when I think about how she hurt you.'_

_'I know you think this is what you deserve, but it's not. It's not right. You're wrong Lapis. You think you're bad but I know that you're not. You're my best friend. I care about you. Please care about yourself, too.'_

Lapis hasn't realized she was crying until her tears were all over the paper. She couldn't breath. Suddenly she felt a hand on her shoulder. 

She whipped around, letting out a mix of a loud sob and a shriek. Jasper did not look impressed, but she picked Lapis up and held her close.

Lapis gripped onto her girlfriend's shirt and cried while she attempted not the hyproventalate. 

"That brat's making you sad again. She doesn't know anything. Don't cry, Laz. I'm here for you. I always will be. I understand you." Jasper said, rocking her lightly.

Lapis sniffled, and tried to calm down.

"Why don't I get you some of you meds?"

Lapis nodded her head slowly as Jasper set her back down in her chair.

"You've been doing so well lately. I hate to see you like this Laz. Maybe you should let me read it for you first so I can get rid of whatever the hell she's saying to make you feel so bad." Jasper offered, handing her girlfriend the bottle of pills.

"No, it's okay. I need to get stronger. I can read it myself." Lapis murmured, taking four of the pills. She needed to get more soon.

"You always have been weak. Good job for working on it." 

"I know. I'm trying."

_No you're not. You aren't doing anything at all. You're getting so high you can't think. You're losing gaps of time. Before long you'll be even worse. It'll be another stupid mistake you've made, yet again._

Lapis gripped the notebook in front of her tightly. She wrote out her half of the project for the day. She drank the rest of her coffee, and waited for the medicine to kick in. 

Then she got an idea. An idea that would make Peridot happy, and might even appease her abusive mind.

_'I want to take less meds. How about I put a chart in here to track how much I'm taking? That way I can see it, and you don't have to worry so much. I'll try to take less.'_

Lapis smiled at her plan, not noticing her girlfriend's glare from across the room.


	10. Chapter 10

**Monday**

'It feels weird to be more present now. It's a little uncomfortable. It's easier to do my work now. I feel more.. agitated though. Mostly because I feel sort of overwhelmed by everything. I wonder when things will get back to normal. I wonder if normal is even what I remember it being. Anyways, I took two this morning.'

_'You seem like you're doing a lot better in morning. You look more aware at school, too. Do you want to spend the night at my house this weekend? I'd really like to talk to you in person.'_

'Two at lunch.'

'Four at night.'

\---------------------------  
**Tuesday**

'I don't think this weekend will be a good idea. Jasper is being paranoid. Ever since I started taking less meds last week she's been really unhappy with me. Maybe if she's feeling better by Thursday it'll be fine. So, today i took one pill this morning. I really want to push my progress. I think its easier to do in the morning. It's made training and eating a lot easier, too. How's your training going?'

_'Oh, okay. Well just let me know I guess. That's good. It's probably easier to not take them in times that are less stressful. Are you doing okay at night? It's going pretty well. Amethyst has been helping me. Her routine is easier than your's. I told her what we were doing when you were here and she said we were, and I quote "Totally crazy." How funny is that?_

'Two at lunch.'

'Four at night.'

\----------------------------  
**Wednseday**

'I just get these really miserable thoughts at night. And if Jasper is there it's easier to take my meds. Sometimes when we're in my room I feel really worried and it's hard to breathe. It sounds worse than it is! I guess I'm just not over what happened.'

'It's probably best that you're doing an easier routine now. It'll put less strain on your muscles. I should have thought about it when we were exercising together. I didn't take any pills this morning.'

_'Lapis I don't think it's something that you can just move past. I don't want to tell you what to do, but I'm really worried about you. How can you stand to be around her any of the time? I just don't understand.'_

'One at lunch.'

'Four at night.'

\----------------------------

**Thursday**

'Peridot, it's just that. You don't understand. It'll be okay. You shouldn't worry so much. I can handle it, I promise. I tried to talk about staying tomorrow with Jasper and she sort of went off on me. I really want to hang out though, so I'll talk to her about it some more. I'll let you know tomorrow.'

_'Okay. Just be careful.'_

'One at lunch.'

'Five at night.'

\--------------------------

Peridot was surprised on Friday morning to be greeted by an annoyed looking Lapis Lazuli all alone.

"I'm going to spend the night. She can be mad about it. We've barely talked in person in three weeks." Her friend announced, handing the blonde their notebook.

Peridot smiled, "That's great! There's so much I want to talk to you about!"

The blonde opened up their notebook and her smile dropped, "What happened last night?"

"Jasper and I got into a massive fight. She ended up saying a bunch of terrible stuff and leaving. I wasn't doing very well after that. I couldn't stop thinking about the things she said." Lapis scowled, leaning her head on her locker.

"What did she say?" The blonde asked, reaching out to grab her friend's hand.

Lapis pulled her own hand farther away and atarted putting her books in her locker to occupy them.

"Just stuff about.." the taller girl sighed, glaring at the book in her hand.

"About?" Peridot prompted.

"You."

The bell rang, and Lapis rushed off before the blonde could say anything else.


	11. Chapter 11

"What about me?"

"What?" Lapis asked, putting her books in her locker. Peridot scowled, and grabbed her friend's locker door. The taller girl had been dodging her all day.

"You know what. You said that you and Jasper were arguing about me. Why were you arguing about me?"

Lapis sighed, "Let's go, okay? When we get into the car I'll try to explain."

Peridot scoffed, but went along with it. Lapis seemed to be taking her time with everything, though. The taller girl was walking to Peridot's car like she was in quicksand at the rate she was moving.

But alas, they got in the car. They buckled up and took off from the parking lot.

"Let's just start this off with me saying Jasper is being stupid and ridiculous. I said I was going to spend the night at your house, and she blew up. Screaming about how she'll go sleep around too then, and how I'm a stupid bitch. So I asked what sleeping around had to do with me spending the night at your house." Lapis muttered, digging her fingernails into her jeans, "She said I'm an idiot for thinking that you want to be my friend. She says you're just like everyone else, and if I don't see it then I must be blind."

They pulled up to Peridot's house. The blonde said nothing as they went inside. They sat at the table, and when Peridot looked over at Lapis she noticed that her friend seemed to be on the verge of tears.

"It's not true. Right?" Lapis questioned. The blonde could see her hands shaking, clutching onto her bag and holding it tightly to her body.

"It's not true. You are my friend, I want to be your friend." Peridot assured her friend, "What do you mean like everyone else?"

Lapis relaxed, and shrugged her shoulders.

"She thinks you want to use me. To have sex with me. That's stupid, though. I know you said that you 'want me', but I don't know. I don't think that's what you meant. You just wanted me to syay, right? That's why you said what you said."

Peridot froze, staring into her friend's pleading eyes. They begged her to say it wasn't true. That she didn't want any of these things. What was the right thing to say? No, of course not. It wasn't true. Because that wasn't **all** she wanted. She didn't **just** want Lapis to stay. 

She wanted everything. She wanted every smile Lapis had to offer, every hug, every laugh, and every kiss. She wanted everything. But she knew Lapis didn't. She could read the fear all over her friend's face as she waited for Peridot's answer. It killed her. It was going to destroy her to say it. But didn't Lapis deserve the truth?

"She's wrong. But you're wrong, too. I wanted you to stay, but that's not all I want." Peridot admitted, seeing confusion blossom in her friend's eyes, "I know you don't get it. I know you don't understand. All this time away from you got me thinking. So I started writing down everything that we'd ever talked about, and every big reaction you had when we had spent time together."

"It always seemed like you had a hard time understanding kind relationships between people, but then I realized you don't have a hard time understanding it. You don't understand it at all. You see a kid crying, and you get it. But then you see their mom hug them and suddenly you don't understand at all. You don't get it when people are kind, so I know unless I tell you, you won't see it at all. I don't want to tell you this. I know you probably don't even want to hear it-"

"Per-"

"No, Lapis. I have to tell you. Because it's the truth, and you deserve to know. I-"

"Peridot!"

"I think I love you. I don't want to use you for your body, but I do want that too. I want everything. I'm sorry, Lapis."

Peridot watched as the look of fear and confusion on her friend's face turned into shock. Then she watched Lapis dissolve into tears. The blonde got up, and wrapped her arms around her friend lightly.

"I-I don't understand Per..!"

The blonde winced at how pained Lapis' words sounded, then at the horrible cries that came out after as her friend let it all out.

"I know. I'm sorry." Peridot murmured.

They stayed there for a while until Lapis stopped crying. Peridot let go of her, and sat back down in her seat. The taller girl's eyes were blank, and the blonde couldn't help but think that she looked pretty even in this state.

Suddenly Lapis got up and grabbed a glass of water, taking her pills out of her bag.

"Lapis-"

"I didn't take any at lunch. I swear."

Peridot frowned, watching her friend shake three pills out of the bottle and swallow them before downing the entire glass of water.

"Why?" Lapis asked, looking down at her friend's hands before reaching out to touch them.

"I don't know. You're strong and smart. You're beautiful. You're protective and goal driven. Those are all things I like about you. But I can't say if that's why I think I love you. It's more like.. those are benefits of loving you. I think love is just something that happens, Lapis." Peridot responded, curling her hands around her friend's.

"I'm with Jasper."

"I know. I hate it."

"Why would you tell me all this? What if I never talk to you again?"

"I had to, Lapis. You asked. You wanted the truth, didn't you?"

Lapis felt her lip quiver as she nodded her head, "I hate this."

"I'm sorry."

"It's so messed up. Why? We're friends. And I have Jasper. And I thought maybe you and Amethyst.." Lapis lamented, "And I'm no good, Per. I'm all messed up. You shouldn't want this. This is all my fault, isn't it? I did it again. I swear I don't try to. That man and Jasper.. now you, too. I'm sorry."

"What are you talking about?" Peridot asked, gripping onto her friend's hands tightly as she felt them shake.

"I keep attracting people to me and ruining them. It's all my fault. All these bad things are my fault." Lapis frowned.

"That's not true. You didn't do any of this. You're just you, Lapis. Jasper and.. that man made their choices. Just like everyone does. You didn't force them to do anything. They hurt you because they wanted to." Peridot explained, "Have you ever wanted to do something bad? That you know you shouldn't do, and then you choose whether or not to do it anyways? It's like that. Well, it is for normal people. Those two are evil, I'm sure they didn't put much thought into it."

Lapis nodded her head slowly, "I think I want to do something bad right now."

"What?"

"I want to kiss you."

Peridot blushed, leaning across the table a bit, "I could kiss you.."

"I want to. But I can't. I have Jasper. And you were right. I don't love her, but she's my girlfriend. And I know what it feels like when your girlfriend cheats on you. I'm not her." Lapis sighed, "But I thought at least I could tell you that I really want to kiss you."

Peridot smiled sadly and nodded her head, sitting back down.

"What are we going to do now, Per?" Lapis asked, laying her head down on the table.

"I don't know. This is a messy situation. For now, I just want to keep holding your hand."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They're so cute. I'm going to vomit.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: abuse, violence, mentions of rape.

Eventually they decided to work on their project. It was easier to piece together with both of them there. With the project almost being over they were in full gear. Peridot's mom ordered them pizza, overjoyed to see Lapis again and entirely oblivious to what had just happened between the two.

When they were done they agreed to spend more time on the project and together. It might not have been the way Peridot wanted it to be, but in the end they were still friends. Their project still mattered, and seeing each other did too, Jasper be damned.

They went outside to exercise, and while they were stretching Lapis had decided that now would be a good time to bring up their situation again.

"When did you start to like me?"

Peridot blushed, shrugging a bit.

"I don't know. Maybe it was when we started our project and got past being complete strangers. Maybe it was when Aquamarine tried to hit me and you beat her into the ground, even though that was pretty scary too. Maybe it was when I wasn't just mad at Jasper for what she'd done, but that it because of it was the first time you ever touched me and neither of us would be able to forget that." Peridot grumbled, "All I know is that all of a sudden I felt weird when you touched me and held my hand. All of a sudden my heart beat way too hard around you. I worried too much. That night.. when I walked in on you in the bathroom was the last straw. I knew I shouldn't be looking, but I couldn't stop. That's when I knew it wasn't just friendly anymore."

"You're making my heart beat too hard now." Lapis admitted, covering her face with her hands, "It's that feeling again. That I want to kiss you. I'm sorry. I know, I'm no good. I can't help but feel moved by your words, swept up in how you feel..."

"But you don't feel the same way." Peridot finished her sentence for her, grinning. Lapis wondered how her friend could make such an expression when her eyes looked so sad.

"It's okay. I knew. I knew when I knew you didn't love Jasper. That's why I said what I did that night. That I want you, too. I know that's part of why you're with her, but she's so awful I thought if I told you I felt the same then at least you'd be with me and away from her." the blonde went on, "I like you way too much. Even your confused, unstable heart can't sway how I feel. There's nothing that you or anyone can do to change my feelings."

"I wish you'd stop. When you say these things I feel so.. much." Lapis mumbled, "It's overwhelming."

"But if I stop you don't even have to think about me. I want you to think about me. I want to tell you how much I care so you have no choice but to be swayed by how I feel." Peridot admitted, laughing a bit, "I wasn't going to say anything. It was just going to be a normal sleepover. But you asked and... Now it's all over. So I might as well plea my case as much as I can, right?"

"Is love really that calculated?" 

Peridot looked thoughtful for a moment, "I don't know. Mine is. It might be selfish, but I know I know I'm better for you than Jasper is, at least."

"You seem so sure of that."

"I care about you, I would never hurt you, and I'm always happy to be there for you." Peridot mused, leaning forward to touch her toes, "What makes her better than me?"

"I-I... She's no good. I'm no good either. We match each other. You haven't seen me when I'm bad. You haven't seen anything but when I hurt Aquamarine. But you will. Then you'll know I'm a monster. Or you'll find out everything else Jasper knows about me that you don't, and you'll know I'm not worth anything. Per, I don't have anything left. I'm all used up. In every way. I can't stress that enough." the taller girl rambled on.

Peridot got up and walked over to Lapis before sitting down in front of her.

"If you're a monster you'll be my monster. Whatever you think you need to be worth in order to be with me is wrong. You don't need to have anything for me to want to be with you. But for the record, you have a lot. What happened doesn't matter to me. You're what matters." 

"You have to stop, Per. I can't do this." Lapis muttered, standing up and doing her best to glare at the blonde.

"I don't want to. And I don't stand a chance if I don't try my hardest to show you how good this could be." Peridot admitted, getting up as well.

"I don't want this! I don't want you to push yourself! I want to be friends! Because that's not difficult! This feels suffocating!" Lapis snapped, "I can't stand it! It's so confusing! How can I show you that this is no good? I want you to understand that and push me aside because I'm not worth your time! I don't want to sit here and want this! Because I know.. I know it's no good, Per. I don't want to hurt you.. How can I not hurt you?"

"You can't. You're not in charge of my feelings. Every second of these past couple of weeks that you've been gone have been terrible! Because time spent away from you and seeing you with her is terrible! I love you! I don't want that to hurt you. I'll be careful, and I'll try my best to take care of you. Please put your faith into me. And yourself." The blonde retorted.

"I can't." Lapis murmured, sinking back to the ground. All the strength in her was gone. She felt exhausted and sick, "I can't do this. I need to take my medicine."

"It doesn't help. You know that." Peridot muttered.

"Nothing does." Lapis admitted, "But at least I can try to forget. To get away from this reality."

"What is it that you want to get away from? Me? Or is it your own fears and changing things with Jasper?" Peridot scowled, "Has this been so bad? Have I been so bad that you need to escape?"

Lapis' eyes widened and her body shook. She brought her hands up to her throat. It felt hard to breath. It wasn't fair. The blonde was right and it wasn't fair. She didn't want this. She didn't want anything. Her mind flashed back to that night she thought about taking her whole bottle of medicine.

Peridot didn't make her feel bad. It was her. It was always her. Trapped in her own mind, twisting reality. Afraid of everything and terrified of the only person that wanted to help her.

She gasped out for air, but it felt so sharp. Like it was cutting her throat at every inhale. She was scared of Peridot and herself. She was scared of what she could do to Peridot. She left that night Peridot told her she wanted her so that she wouldn't hurt her. Lapis felt her chest burning. 

Peridot rushed forward, setting a hand on her friend's back

"It's okay, just breathe. It's going to be alright."

"I-I..." Lapis gasped out, trying to calm herself down, "I d-don't want t-to hurt you.."

"I know. It's okay. I've been getting stronger and I'll keep getting stronger. I know you need support. I know this won't be easy. I'll do my best to be that for you, if you'll let me." Peridot grabbed the taller girl's hands gently, "Maybe not now. Maybe all of this is way too much right now. But I'll be here."

"Y-you can't just say all of that! This is way too much. I can't understand your feelings. You shouldn't wait around for me..."

Peridot looked at Lapis, taking in how exhausted she looked. The blonde sighed, and pulled her friend into a light embrace.

"I'm sorry it's so overwhelming. Let's just call it a night, okay? Let's go rest." Peridot smiled as Lapis pulled away and nodded her head.

They went back to the blonde's room and sat on her bed. Lapis watched Peridot play video games until she fell asleep.

Peridot chuckled once she noticed the taller girl curled up against her pillows. She decided to give Lapis the bed for the night, opting to use her friend's sleeping bag.

She pulled the blankets up over her friend and turned the lights off.

\------------------------------------

_"They'll never find you. I picked you because you have so little family, and the family that you do have doesn't care enough about you to actually try to find you."_

_Lapis let out a murmur of agreement, leaning her head against the cement wall. Her body hurt. Bruises and cuts littered her skin._

_"Maybe it's genetic. You're not going to love this baby either, are you? You don't even understand the words."_

_Lapis shrugged, looking down at her stomach. It didn't matter if she cared about it or not. It wasn't going to stop the inevitable. It had been months. If they didn't find her soon and her plan tonight didn't work she had no choice but to give birth._

_"Maybe if you're lucky you'll die. You are rather small. The lack of protection was defenitely a miscalulation. I'll have to get you some birth control so we don't have a second one. It'll be much harder to hide you and a child."_

_Lapis hummed in agreement, doing her best to show interest in what he was saying as she moved her hands behind her back slowly every time he looked away._

_"You're making a face. What are you doing?"_

_She paniced, trying to scramble away from him, successful only for a second before he grabbed her by her freshly cut wrist. Lapis hissed out in pain and watched his face fill with anger._

_The next thing she knew his hands were around her, throat, squeezed tightly. No amount of struggling could stop it. She was just too weak. She felt the world go black and the only thing she could think was at least it was over._

Lapis gasped, grabbed her neck and then her wrists. Where was she? She looked around in the dark and recognized Peridot's room.

She was in the blonde's bed. She was safe.

Lapis got up and crept down the hall to grab her medicine. At last she was actually using it for what it was for.

She felt a shiver go down her spine at the memory of that nightmare. She pulled her shirt up and set her hand on part of her scar.

She looked at the rest of the bottle of pills, hands shaking as she put them away.

_At least it was over._

Lapis sighed and walked back to Peridot's room. When would it be enough? She looked down at the blonde. When was it going to be over?

She knew her problems hadn't started in that basement with that man, but it shaped all of it. He fed off her natural fears, breaking her down in every way.

At what point could she just have her life back? She worked hard to be able to do the things everyone else did. To be around other people, to be outside, to be in school, etcetera.

Lapis was tired already from all of it. But now there was this. Her mind screamed at her to just forget about it. Contemplating being loved, or loving someone else was too much.

Her anxiety rose just thinking about it. It was scary. Knowing that she'd have to tell Peridot everything waa terrifying.

Lapis closed her eyes and thought about the day they'd spent together. All the things Peridot told her, how dizzying and sweet it all was.

It made her heart ache. What was this feeling?


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for: rape, abuse, blood, death, and babies.

"I don't know what to do." Peridot sighed, "If I get too close it's stressful for her. But I don't know how close is too close at any given time. I should make another chart..."

"You're love struck for the most messed up girl in school, Peri. I highly advise giving up. Besides, she's been with Jasper for years." Amethyst scoffed, rolling her eyes, "I don't see anything changing any time soon. I mean, Lapis doesn't even care that Jasper cheats on her. She always gets over it and they move on as a couple."

"Things could change. I could change things. I'm trying to show her that I can be better, but I think she already knows that. Maybe she's just still weighing her options. It's only been a few days since I confessed." the blonde rationalized. 

"Oh! Look! They're headed this way." Amethyst pointed to the entrance of the school, where Jasper was following Lapis through the door.

The blue haired girl looked absolutely furious, ignoring Jasper's pleading.

"Stop, Laz! Just let me explain!"

Lapis continued to pretend her girlfriend didn't exist as she opened her locker. A bunch of notes spilled out of it. All four girl's stared at the floor.

'Slut' 'Whore' 'Cunt' 'Bitch', written all over various notes along with vague threats.

"I can see you really go for originality." Lapis deadpanned, blankly looking up at her girlfriend.

"Laz... I'm sorry. Can we just talk about it?"

"Just go away."

"Fine. She was better than you've been lately anyway!" Jasper snapped, storming off.

Lapis sighed, leaning down to pick up the notes. Peridot managed to start helping her once she got over to sting of jealous from thinking about her crush sleeping with someone else.

"Damn, are you okay?" Amethyst asked, picking up a few notes only to have the blue haired girl snatch them out of her hands.

"Just peachy." Lapis hadn't even bothered looking at most of the notes after seeing the first few. Considering they were all basically the same she didn't think there would be anything worth looking at so she threw it all in the trash. She grabbed her books and walked off, not able to bring herself to even look at Peridot.

"Dude I never realized how tense it was up close! I've only ever seen it through down the hall!" Amethyst exclaimed, "Shit, maybe I was wrong. Maybe you do have a chance. How long could she put up with being treated like that?"

Peridot just scowled and shook her head. This wasn't even the worst of how Jasper treated Lapis and she knew that personally. It would take a lot more than this to get her friend to break up with her girlfriend. The bell rang and she walked off to class.

\----------------------------------

The next few days seemed to go by in a similar fashion, the only real change being an increase of Jasper harassing Lapis more viciously every day her girlfriend refused to talk to her. But by Friday Jasper seemed to be totally fed up with it.

"Jasper, I really don't want to-" But Lapis didn't finish that sentence. There was only one note in her locker that day and this one finally fazed her. She grabbed her stomach and looked up at her girlfriend, pain clear in her eyes.

"Laz? What is it? She's just a stupid girl, I swear it doesn't mean anything!" Jasper insisted, taking the note out of Lapis' hands.

_You should have died down there with your rape baby._

"How could you?" Lapis rasped, trying her best to keep her composure.

"I-I swear I didn't tell her! You have to believe me!" Jasper grabbed Lapis' shoulders tightly, trying to pull her close. The blue haired girl resisted her pull.

"Then who? Who would have told her?! My therapist?! The doctors?! The police?! Who if not you?!" Lapis shrieked, pushing her girlfriend away from her. She looked absolutely broken, unable to prevent the tears from flowing any longer.

She knew Jasper was a bad girlfriend. She knew that Jasper was abusive in more ways than one. But Lapis had never thought that she would take it this far. She had never hated her girlfriend more than in this moment, even after all the cheating and assault. She could put up with all of it, but not this.

Jasper reached out again to grab at her girlfriend, pitifully trying to explain away this breech of trust. The bell rang, but Lapis could barely hear it. Everything sounded far away except for the yell that sprung out into the air afterwards.

"Leave her alone!"

Lapis' head snapped over to the only person in this whole hall of people to speak up instead of taking off. Peridot stood there, note in hand. She'd picked it up after Jasper tossed it on the ground to grab Lapis. The blue haired girl's stomach sunk. Now she knew, too.

Jasper turned to the blonde, screaming at her to shut her mouth and pulling her fist back to hit the small girl.

Peridot froze, unable to react. She'd never been in a real fight or had someone hit her before. She flinched, closing her eyes and waiting for the impact. But it never came. Instead she heard a fist connect with the smallest note of a snap, followed by Jasper crying out.

"Laz!"

The blonde opened her eyes to see Lapis Lazuli, standing in front of her. She took the hit for Peridot. There was blood on Jasper's fist. The hulk of a girl desperately reached out again only to be met with a swift uppercut from her girlfriend.

"We're through. Don't ever talk to me again."

That was all Lapis had to say before walking away. Peridot grabbed her stuff, and followed Lapis out of the school.

"Lapis wait! I'll take you home!" Peridot cried out. She was surprised when her friend immediately complied.

They got into her car and it was only then that she saw the damage Jasper had done. Lapis' face was red, her nose and lips had blood running down them.

"Holy shit.." Peridot gasped, "Lapis we should go to the hospital-"

"No hospitals. We're going to my house. We need to go now before she tries to follow us." Lapis muttered.

Before they knew it they had made it to Lapis' house. They had locked every door and window and were sitting in the bathroom while the taller girl wiped the blood off her face.

"You.. I.. You didn't have to do that. You shouldn't have. Your face.." Peridot murmured, frowning and trying desperately not to cry. 

"Yeah, I did. I've been hit in the face before, and it's not that big a deal for me anyways. This hit would have really messed you up. I don't want to see you like this." Lapis sighed, "Besides, this isn't what really hurts."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Peridot asked.

"I didn't want you to know." Lapis turned to look at the smaller girl, seeing the tears running down her friends face, "Oh, Per..."

Lapis pulled the blonde close to her as her friend sobbed. The blue haired girl rocked her lightly, letting the blonde soak her shirt in tears and snot.

"It's okay. It's okay now." the taller girl reassured Peridot, pulling away to look the sniffling girl.

Peridot's eyes were red, and her face was all wet. Lapis handed her a bunch of tissues and waited for the blonde to wipe off her face before leading Peridot up to her room.

Lapis gathered together a nest of blankets and pillows before sitting down on the cozy pile with her friend.

"I didn't want to tell you. I told you I was no good and all used up, but I didn't want you to know that this was one of the reasons why." Lapis sighed, "I'm sure you can put together what happened yourself. I was pregnant for months before they found me. I didn't think they would find me. After every thing that happened... I couldn't handle it. After all the beating, the cutting, and the rape.. I didn't think they would find me. I couldn't stand it any more. I thought even if they did find me there was no way it would be worth it to live."

The blue haired girl paused as Peridot wrapped her arms around her. She could feel the blonde shake and knew she was crying again.

"I tried to slit my wrist. I found a piece of glass when he was asleep one night. I knew that if I didn't get rescued soon I wouldn't be able to have choice anymore. It didn't work. Well, it did but he found out. He strangled me until I passed out. When I woke up I found out he stitched up the cut. Things were worse after that. I never thought Jasper would tell anyone about that. Well, maybe she only talked about the pregnancy" Lapis explained, running her hand through the blonde's hair.

"What happened? Did you lose the baby?" Peridot whispered, clinging to Lapis to best she could.

"He shot me. I guess they tried to save it. I don't know. I was more concerned with being out of that basement." Lapis responded, leaning into the blonde's grasp, "Maybe it was a final blow from him. Another way to mess with me since he knew he was going to die. Is any of this finally resonating with you? I have way too much baggage. You shouldn't get involved."

"No. I just want to try harder to make your life better now. I want to help you." Peridot insisted, tears streaming down her face.

"And people think I'm crazy." Lapis scoffed, wrapping her arms around the blonde, "You're too stubborn."

"I love you. Can I love you?" Peridot sniffled.

"I didn't think I could stop you." the taller girl retorted, "You literally told me I couldn't."

"You can't. But permission would be nice."

Lapis sighed, setting her chin on her friend's shoulder.

"You shouldn't love me, but I don't want to say no. I know I should push you away. Can I just be selfish and say yes for tonight?"

"I'll take what I can get for now."

"For now?" Lapis chuckled, kissing the blonde's forehead.

"The end goal is to get you to fall in love with me, too." Peridot confessed.

"That's an awful plan. Good luck."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might re-write this one.


	14. Chapter 14

Peridot had been on cloud nine ever since that night. She'd spent the whole time cuddling close to Lapis, telling her every single little thing the blonde liked about her. She relished every content look on Lapis' face.

Even if in the morning things weren't the same that was okay. She had that night. In a surprise turn of events though, Lapis slowly became more accepting of what she had to say.

At first Lapis would panic over it when Peridot would say something that would overwhelm her, rushing off somewhere else, or taking her medication in the worst of situations. But slowly it began to change. And so did a lot of other things.

They turned in their project and passed, Lapis started sitting with everyone- though it was more of the security there was in being in a group than it was her wanting to sit with them. Jasper tended to prowl around everywhere Lapis went at school, but would back off if there were too many people around.

Period and Lapis started spending almost every waking second together once they got their new assignment in class. Another classic, Dracula. But this time partnership was voluntary. The blonde's smile when Lapis rushed over to her was priceless.

She knew it was likely that her friend just wanted to be her partner **because** they were friends and Peridot was hardworking, but it still made her happy. The blonde couldn't help every heart beat that hit a little harder just because Lapis wanted to be around her.

To be closer to her, to choose her over anyone else.

She was blissful in this world were her crush wanted to cling to her side and hold to her hand. The world that they shared now, with each other and a few acquaintances. 

Peridot was happy to see Lapis interact more with her friends, though the blue haired girl was still very clear that her opinion of the girls was purely indifference. But it was better than isolation in the blonde's mind. At least with this Lapis got to see more and more that not everyone was the worst type of person.

Though downsides did come with that. More and more people started thinking it was acceptable to be around Lapis and Peridot. It started with hellos in the hallways, and escalated to people trying to talk to either of them.

Maybe it was a little funny watching Lapis react to people being nice in the way a dog does when socks are put on it, but there were sometimes looks and glances that the blonde couldn't find herself appreciating.

She was always glad when they left and Lapis would turn to her with an exasperated look and use that hand gesture mimicking that they talked too much.

They'd snicker about it and then move on with their conversation as they got to Peridot's car. Today the topic was Jasper.

"She won't leave me alone. I saw her outside my house last night. I texted her to let her know that I don't want her around and I'll shoot her if she tries to break in." Lapis sighed, digging her nails into one of the loops on her pants.

"She's a psycho. You should call the cops if you see her again." Peridot pointed out, a nervous feeling taking her over as she started her car.

"Per, we've been over this. No police." Lapis stated firmly, "Rose would say the same goddamn thing and- Shit."

"She **would** say the same thing? Would?! I thought you were going to tell her!" The blonde exclaimed, "It'll help. With the dreams and the anxiety. You know that."

"I know, okay?! I get it! I'm just not exactly excited to talk about how my girlfriend raped me okay?! Talking about it means talking about **all** of it! The attempts, when she suceeded, how she did it, how I felt about it!" Lapis snapped, "Then there's how was being raped by this person like being raped by that person? Then how do they correlate? Why do I attract these people? Why did I decide to stay with her every time? Why don't I think I'm worth more? It's all of that. It's everything."

Peridot pulled up to her house with a grave expression on her face, "Lapis.."

"Just don't. I can't. I don't want to think about it. Can't I just pretend? I just want to make believe that it's okay. I'm so tired, Per..." The taller girl murmured as she dissolved into tears in the passenger seat, crumpled up as her nails tried to dig holes into her jeans and her teeth clenched together.

The blonde frowned, getting out of the car and going around to the other side. She opened the door and wrapped her arms around her friend the very best she could.

"I know. I'm sorry you have to. But I know that you can. You're so strong Lapis. I know that you can heal." Peridot soothed, holding the taller girl until the tears and shaking stopped.

"How do you know?" Lapis mumbled, sitting up and unbuckling her seatbelt before stepping out of the car.

"Because I see you get stronger all the time. You would have never even said any of this before. You wouldn't have said anything at all." Peridot responded, "It's proof that you're already getting there."

Lapis closed the car door and they walked inside. She pulled her prescription out of her bag, shaking them in Peridot's direction to get her attention.

"I'm just going to take two. Today is more stressful than my mind bargained for." She explained, setting them down to grab water.

"You shouldn't always be worried when you're taking them like you're supposed to." Peridot sighed, staring the pills down.

Lapis froze at the sink, water beginning to overfill in her glass.

"I have to. Because if I dont.. Then I can't get better. I can't stay better. I don't tell you how much I want to take them like I was because I don't want to scare you." She muttered, "But I do. Because one incident like the one just now and I'm fed up. My patience for reality is short now that I know I don't actually have to be a constant participant."

She turned the sink off, pouring out the excess water before taking her seat next to Peridot.

"So I have to worry about it. So that I don't abuse it. So I can stay here, in my much better life, with you." Lapis smiled, setting a hand on the blonde's before taking her pills with the other.

Peridot blushed, unsure of what to say. She was glad that Lapis was happy being with in the present with her, but it was unsettling to hear how thin a tightrope her friend was walking on. The blonde hoped for an excellent balancing act for the future, or at least a soft fall.

"So.. Your birthday is coming up." Peridot announced after she cleared her throat, frowning at the glum expression that the mention seemed to bring to Lapis' face.

Her friend only hummed in response so the blonde decided to continue.

"So I was thinking.. Why don't you spend the weekend here, and we could go bowling or to the skate rink. I'll make you a cake!"

Lapis scoffed at the idea of her friend doing any sort of cooking, "You burn eggs. I'll make the cake. You decorate it."

"I'm a freaking artist! Get ready for the best cake of your life!" Peridot declared, a giant grin on her face.

"Okay, superstar." Lapis mused, leaning over to place a soft kiss on the blonde's cheek, "It's a date."

"A-A date... A date?!"

"If you'll have me." Lapis smiled, "For my birthday. I've never been on a date before. It's on my normal girl bucket list and everything."

The blonde couldn't control the blush that had gone far past her cheeks and was now extending to her neck. 

The look in her friend's eyes was so direct and captivating. Lapis had even planted a kiss on her cheek. Peridot's world was absolutely spinning. 

This couldn't be real. But it was. It was so freaking real that she couldn't stand it. Her stomach had erupted in butterflies and her palms were sweating.

"I-it's a date! I would love to have you! Well not **have** you! Well I mean..."

"Relax, Per. Breathe."


	15. Chapter 15

"Peridot I really don't think you should do this. You're asking for trouble! Being her friend is already one thing but dating her is an entirely different problem!"

"Pearl, with all do respect, it's literally none of your fucking business." the blonde retorted, rolling her eyes before attempting to put in contacts, "This really hurts. How do people do this every day?"

Pearl had showed up at her house after school to drop something off for her mom. The cousins had always had a tense relationship. They were truly terrible at communicating with each other, and they had a hard time seeing eye to eye on most things. They still cared about each other, but they definitely weren't- and would never be, as close as their mothers.

"I'm trying to help you! Ending this whole thing is what will be best for you. It was already bad enough when you were pinning over her, but I let it go because I never thought she'd break up with Jasper. But I can't let it go now. She's going to break your heart Peridot." Pearl sighed, pulling her hair a bit in frustration. She had been there for an hour trying to convince the blonde to reconsider, hell, she'd been trying to make her case all week long.

"Pearl, stop it. Look, even if you're right it doesn't matter. This is what I want. If everything goes south just please be there for me then."

"No way. I warned you. Don't cry to me about it when she crushes you." Pearl snapped, storming out of the house.

The blonde frowned and finished getting ready before driving over to Lapis' house. Her cousin was really killing her good mood about this date. She'd been looking forward to it all week, doing her best to plan a fun night. It was going to be perfect.

She knocked on the door, standing there patiently as she heard Lapis run down the stairs from her room. Peridot had the biggest smile on her face until her friend opened the door and her jaw dropped.

Lapis was wearing makeup. Well, she was wearing mascara and winged eyeliner. The rest of the makeup was her standard look. Not only that, but she was in clothes Peridot had never seen before. A pair of skin tight black pants and a very classy looking dark blue blouse with a black tank top underneath.

"Do I look weird or something?" Lapis asked, brows furrowing in concern.

"N-No! You look great! More than great! Just.. wow!" The blonde exclaimed, cheeks lighting up as she straightened out her blazer.

"You're not so bad yourself. Nice jacket! Okay, so I made the cake. It's in the fridge. We can just pick it up on the way back to your house tonight." Lapis smiled, walking with Peridot to the car. They'd gotten to the bowling alley, ordering some soft drinks and nachos right away.

"Extra spicy?" The blonde asked, smiling with Lapis gave her a thumbs up, "Extra spicy."

They walked over to their lane with their food, setting the jalapeno filled nightmare coated in hot sauce on the small table with their drinks. Lapis filled in their names in on the machine, and they got to playing. 

Peridot noticed that Lapis would shake her hips before every time she bowled. It was extremely distracting, and Peridot made a point to always look away once her friend started walking back.

Lapis noticed that Peridot was extremely, absolutely, just truly terrible at bowling. Laughably so. The lane gates were apparently made for children, the elderly, and Peridot.

"I swear I wasn't this bad the last time I played!" the blonde insisted as she started to walk back

"Sure you weren't." Lapis grinned, stopping the blonde before she got to the table, "Come on. I'll show you how to do it."

Peridot blushed as Lapis grabbed her hips and adjusted them, turning her slightly before telling her to make the shot. The blonde complied, knocking over half the pins before jumping up and cheering.

Then she began to land and promptly slipped on the slick floor. Lapis gasped, stumbling forward to try to help only to slip as well. They bonked their heads together a little on the way down. Lapis had landed on top of her, but quickly rolled over next to her, apologizing as she sat up.

The blonde blushed yet again, sitting up as well. They met eyes and then just promptly started to crack up and turned to face each other.

"I can't believe you thought it would be smart to jump!"

"Hey, you fell too!"

"You're so cute.." Lapis mused, leaning a bit closer.

Peridot felt her heart hammering in her chest as she leaned in as well, lips meeting her friend's super soft ones. But just as soon as they did they were yanked away. Or more accurately, Lapis was.

"I knew it!"

Both of their faces went pale as the sound of Jasper's voice. She had Lapis by the back of her shirt, tossing the blue haired girl into the bowling ball dispenser as hard as she could.

Lapis let out of small yelp as Jasper continued screaming.

"I knew it all along! You were fooling around with this little bitch behind my back the whole time! You think you're so smart with all your excuses and your 'we're just friends' but I knew!"

Peridot rushed over to her friend, beginning to ask her if she was okay as Lapis moved her head away from the machine. It was a rectangular machine with hard corners. The blonde's blood ran cold as she saw the big, gaping wound on the back of Lapis' head.

"HE-HELP! SOMEONE CALL 911! WE NEED AN AMBULANCE!" The screams left Peridot's mouth before she'd even known she made them and she grabbed Lapis' hand tightly as she heard Jasper scream more threats before running away to avoid an interact with the police.

"Per.. I feel really.. dizzy..." Lapis murmured, gritting her teeth as Peridot grabbed the napkins off their table and pressed them against her skull. It didn't do any good. She bled right through them. The blonde cursed, crying out for someone to get more napkins.

The blonde desperately applied pressure to her friend's head until the ambulance got their. They couldn't let her ride along, but told her what hospital to go to since she'd need to tell the police what happened.

Peridot staggered out of the bowling alley, adrenaline rushing. All she could hear was white noise as she sped to the hospital, parking terribly, before rushing inside to give them all the information and asking what was going on.

The nurse looked at her sympathetically, "It'll be okay, honey. They said it didn't crack her skull open. They're treating the wound and then you can go in and see her since she's been asking for you."

"She asked for me?" Peridot squeaked. That was it, she couldn't handle it anymore. She started ugly sobbing right at the desk, tears pouring out. The nurse patted her hand over the desk and set a box of tissues in front of her.

The blonde grabbed the box and curled up in an uncomfortable hospital chair as she cried for a good twenty minutes until she couldn't any more. She went through half a box of tissues. This had all gone so wrong. This was supposed to be the perfect birthday, the perfect date. Now it was going to be another traumatizing night for both of them.

Ten minutes later a different nurse came to get her and took her to a small room. Lapis was sitting up, bandages wrapped around her head as she sucked down a boxed juice. She was hooked up to machines and while the blonde had thought she was all out of tears she started crying again.

"Per, don't cry. It's my birthday, and besides; I'm okay!" Lapis said, "Come here. Please? They told me to stop getting up and they said they'll strap me down if I try to again."

Peridot rushed over to her, wrapping her arms around her friend as she cried, "You're not okay! You've got a big head injury and you're in the hospital! You're hurt!"

"They fixed it. I am okay. And who do you think I am? A wuss? I've had way worse things happen to me." Lapis laughed a little, "I'm just glad you're okay. I was worried she would have done something to you too. You're the hero this time, Per."

The blonde sniffled, nuzzling her face in crook of Lapis' neck, "This date is ruined, isn't it?"

"No, the date was excellent. It was sort of the assault and hospital visit that was bad." the blue haired girl insisted, "I got to eat spicy nachos, kick your butt at bowling, and I got to kiss the cutest girl ever. Then she saved my life."

"Our kiss got ruined." Peridot blushed, frowning as she turn her head to look away.

"We could try again. Later. Maybe in a place that doesn't smell like rubbing alcohol and urine." Lapis smiled, setting her hand on her friend's shoulder.

"I'm trying to be upset here and you're really making it very hard." Peridot sighed, handing the taller girl another juice box, "You need to consume more sugar to replenish your glucose levels."

"Nerd." Lapis snorted, taking the box anyways.

"Lapis! What happened?!"

The good mood in the room vanished as soon as the blue haired girl set her eyes on the two men in police uniform rushing in.

"The boss sent us to make the report. Everyone is worried about you!" one of the men announced, sitting in one of the chairs next to the bed, pulling out a note pad and pen.

"Miss, could you leave for a bit? And we need to ask you some questions as well." the other office said, staring Peridot down.

"She stays. You guys can leave. I don't have anything to report." Lapis muttered, glaring at her lap.

"Oh yes, you do. You were attacked and sustained a large injury to your head. You're going to tell us who did it." the officer by her bedside insisted, "The girl can stay if you're comfortable with that, but you need to tell us what happened. Have you talked to your dad? Is Chief Lazuli on the way?"

Peridot head snapped away from the officer to stare as Lapis with wide eyes. She thought about all the times Lapis insisted the police not get involved. These men were sitting here talking to her like she was family or something. Why would she avoid the police so much if she had such close ties to them? 

"Your dad is the chief of police?"

"Not here. Not anymore." Lapis scowled, looking over at the officer by her side, "Officer Davidson, there is nothing you can do. Even if you force me to make a report it won't do any good because I'm **not** going to press charges. I haven't called my father, because he's a busy man and this is not a big deal. I didn't even pass out. It was just a silly accident made by a jealous ex and I'm fine!"

"Goddammit Lapis, don't be such a hard head about this! Just let us help you! I don't want to see another person get away for what they did to you!" Officer Davidson snapped, raising his voice, "I didn't carry you out that mess to see this happen to you!"

Lapis' face filled with rage, "Oh, I'm sorry **sir** I didn't realize I owed my life to you! Here, let me get on my hands and knees to bow down to you! I'll make sure to start living my life to your standards!"

"You know I don't mean it that way I just-"

"Get out. Both of you. Before I call Chief Carson and report both of you for harassing me. He'll take kindly to that." Lapis hissed, pointing at the door.

Peridot watched as both officer's frowned and shuffled out of the room.

"This is so embarrassing." Lapis muttered, refusing to make eye contact with her friend.

"What the hell just happened?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I started writing this fan fiction I never thought people would enjoy it so much. Now that it's at 100 kudos I can clearly see that I was very wrong. Thank you all for your support. I hope everyone continues to like this story as it finishes unraveling.


	16. Chapter 16

They'd decided to go back to Lapis' house for a while after she was released from the hospital. She said she had some things to show the blonde that would answer some of her questions. So there they were, sitting in her room, facing each other on either side of her table just like the first time Peridot had been there.

Lapis had set a box on the table before taking a few deep breaths and opening it. Inside of it was a picture album, a few articles of clothes including a wedding dress and some baby items.

"This is everything that is left of my family." Lapis began to explain, pulling out the picture album and setting the box aside.

She opened it to the first page, a large picture of a very young girl and an older man. The girl looked sad, her big brown eyes deep voids. She was wearing the dress in the box. Her groom was grinning with his arm around his prize.

The very next page was several pictures of this girl heavily pregnant. She had dark circles under her eyes and there was always a large dog by her side. Her feet were bare and her long blonde hair was frayed. The page after it there was a baby with dark blue eyes with her in a hospital bed. The girl looked even more distressed than she had been before, and there was that grinning man again.

"She's my mother. Before we moved here we lived in Missouri. She'd met my dad some sort of way when she was sixteen, I never got the details. All I know is that there was what they call 'a happening' and she married my father." Lapis sighed, frowning, "She dropped out of school and had me."

She flipped through several different pages of pictures with mostly just her and her mother. There was only one picture were this sad girl was smiling, though there were plenty were her daughter and husband looked happy enough. It was a picture of her and Lapis. The little blonde toddler was mid-jump to her mother and there was a big smile on the girl's face, a small light in her eyes even.

Then there were several picture of the whole family in front of the house Lapis lived in now. Her mother's eyes seemed even more sunken in than before. Where there used to just be sadness there was also fear now. A young Lapis looked oblivious, clinging to her mother's leg and smiling.

"They moved when I was three. My father wanted to leave home where there would be a better opportunity to become chief of police. So they left behind everything for his career."

After that there were several pictures of the family with other officers and their families. The frightened look on her mother's face never seemed to subside. She was almost always in long sleeves, but when she wasn't there were always bruises on her somewhere.

A few pages later was a little Lapis in all black.

"She died when I was five. I don't remember her well. The last thing I remembered we were in the car. She was in a big rush and she was crying. None of those things were new, though. I guess that's why it didn't stand out to me. My father informed me that was the night she died. The last time I saw her was in her casket." 

All the pictures after that were of younger Lapis, sometimes with her father but mostly with various police officers. The last picture in the book was her as a pre-teen. Her hair was long and blonde like her mothers and she was sitting on the hood of a police car with the officer that was arguing with her at the hospital.

"His name is Charles Davidson. I've known him since we moved here and he was a trainee. He used to take me fishing with his family. His wife was my mother's only friend. They were really close, so when she died I guess they thought they would help raise me. Lots of the officers felt that way." Lapis murmured, her fingers brushing against the photo delicately, "This was five days before I was taken."

The blue haired girl closed the book and set it back inside the box.

"I was found because an elderly woman was going for a walk and I was trying to make a break for it when my kidnapper opened the door on his way back. I didn't make it, but she saw my face. He knew she was there and I was screaming at her to run and get help. He couldn't go after her and keep me from escaping so she got away." Lapis explained, "So when the police got there he tried to use it as a hostage situation, but he must have realized it wasn't going to work. So he shot me then shot himself. Officer Davidson was the officer that picked me up and got me to the ambulance. He kept telling me everything was going to be okay."

"So that's why he was so upset..." Peridot observed.

"Yeah. His family visited me in the hospital every single day. Mrs. Davidson mostly to sit by my bed and cry." Lapis shrugged, "Six months later when my father moved to be the police chief in a different city they tried to get me to move in with them. But I didn't want anything to do with the police anymore."

"Why? Aren't they like your family?" the blonde asked, confused about that aspect more than anything else.

"I found out some really terrible stuff. I went to Officer Carson since he was going to be the chief of police and told him I didn't want to be involved anymore. That it was too traumatizing and I wanted everyone to leave me alone." Lapis replied, "He agreed, and asked me to tell him if I ever needed their help."

"So why don't you talk to the police about anything?"

"Because as much as I know they just want to help me, I also know they'll talk to my father about it. I don't want him to know anything. I don't want to deal with, talk to, or ever see him again. I'm not ready to talk about it, but please believe me when I say he's a terrible man and I have every right to hate him." Lapis muttered, getting up and putting the box away.

"I still you should get some help from the police. Jasper's crazy. She stalked us and attacked you. I don't think that's going to be the end of it." Peridot voiced her concern, face revealing just how tense she felt.

"I'll talk to Jasper. It appears I need to remind her who she's messing with. But other than that, I'm compromise with you and talk to Rose about it, okay? Now, can we be done with all this? It's really exhausting." Lapis huffed, "And it is still my birthday. Let's go to your house and decorate that cake. Please?"

Peridot frowned, a bubble of anxiety in her chest. She definitely didn't agree with Lapis' method of handling the situation, but.. there was always tomorrow to say that, right? Her friend was right. It was still her birthday. There were only two hours of it left, and if the taller girl still wanted to try to have a nice time shouldn't she help her?

"We'll talk about it later. But okay. Let's go decorate the cake while there's still time."

They got in Peridot's car with the cake and rushed to her house. It was there that Lapis learned the blonde had gone cake decoration crazy. She had a bunch of different types of frosting, a bunch of candy, and every type of sprinkle known to man.

She watched as Peridot coated the cake in white icing, then grabbed the different colored frosting and went to town. She started cracking up as she witnessed the blonde shake sprinkles into her hand and literally **throw** them at the cake.

Peridot wrapped it up by sticking seventeen candles into the small cake and setting it in front of Lapis. The taller girl was dying of laughter looking at this monster of a cake.

"You said you were an artists!" Lapis teased, pointing at the multi-colored disaster of a cake.

"It's abstract! It has personality!" Peridot insisted, lighting all the candles only to have the delayed realization that this was too much fire in too close a proximity and the flames were huge. Lapis blow them out right away before there could be any attempt at a song, so as not to burn the house down.

"A fire hazard with a personality." Lapis mused, pulling the candles out before cutting the cake. They attempted to eat it, but it was more frosting than cake at this point. They made a face every time they took a bite and could only taste food coloring.

They decided it was best to throw it in the trash immediately and go to Peridot's room. They played Portal 2 for the remainder of Lapis' birthday, giving up only when both of them were so frustrated with the level they were stuck on that they wanted to break the controllers.

"Oh wow it's two in the morning." Peridot observed, checking the time on her phone.

"I'm so tired!" Lapis yawned, stretching her legs out before getting up and going to the bathroom to change into pajamas. Peridot changed as well, throwing her nice clothes in the laundry hamper.

Lapis came back and kicked her sleeping bag aside, crawling into bed with Peridot instead.

"W-What are you doing?" the blonde stuttered, phased by the determined look on Lapis' face and the fact that her friend hadn't slept in the same bed with her since she confessed.

"I want to sleep here. With you. Do it for my birthday?" Lapis smiled, grabbing the blonde's hand and lacing their fingers together.

"I-It's not your birthday anymore..."

"So then just because I want to?" Lapis asked again, getting a little closer.

"O-Oka-"

Peridot was cut off by lips meeting her's and hands caressing her face. She couldn't help melting into this embrace. It was all she'd wanted for months now.

Then sooner than she would have liked, it was over. Lapis cuddled up to her she close as she could, planting one last kiss on the blonde's shoulder.

"Good night, Per."

If Lapis hadn't felt so warm and it hadn't been so late Peridot was sure that she would have never been able to sleep after a kiss like that.


	17. Maniac

Lapis stood in front of the mirror in her bathroom, bandages undone. She was glaring at the wraps in the sink.

An hour ago she's snuck out of Peridot bed at six in the morning, shimmyed down the storm drain and sprinted back to her house.

She'd left a note saying she'd be back at noon and needed to her some more medical supplies from her house since they only stocked their house with bandaids.

All of that was definitely true, though she didn't need until noon to do that. No, what she needed time until noon for was to have a fit of rage.

She brought a hand to the back of her head and felt her teeth clench in response to the pressure it created. They'd stitched up the wound and told her to come back if she felt any of a long list of symtoms. 

She was furious. But Peridot was there, and the blonde had great aspirations for the sacrilegious day that was otherwise known as her birthday. She **wanted** to be happy. So she'd selfishly pursued comfort from her friend to keep her cool.

She'd leaned against Peridot, held her hand, and kissed her. Lapis could feel her throat tighten at the thought of her irresponsible actions.

She **knew** Peridot liked her, truly and honestly. Possibly even loved her. But Lapis wasn't optimistic that she would ever feel the same way.

Feelings come in rough and confusing bursts for her. She knew that she felt comfortable and happy around Peridot. But she also knew that that didn't necessarily mean she liked the blonde, let alone loved her.

Peridot reminded her of the time before she knew how much living could crush you. Before she knew there were monsters in human skin. Before she became one too.

_This works so into your favor though. You want to hold her close and play your make believe. What's so bad about using the girl? She wants it anyways._

Lapis closed her eyes, scratching at her arms viciously. Ever since she'd stopped taking her anxiety pills entirely she kept getting these thoughts, worse than ever before. Her flesh felt like it was crawling and she hadn't been sleeping well.

_Looks like someone put a nice little crack in your human shell. Too bad she didn't throw you a little harder. After all the pain she put you through she could have at least killed you._

She pulled her fist back, then rocketing it forward to smash the mirror into pieces.

"She's going to pay." Lapis muttered, pulling the glass out roughly and watched blood well up out of the wounds.

She wrapped her fist and her head quickly, rushing upstairs to change. She nearly quicker down the door to her father's room, filling her backpack with everything she needed.

She practically flew out of the door, sprinting to her ex's house. She knew Jasper's dad would be passed out drunk until late in the afternoon and her old girlfriend would be out of town since she bailed up to the mountains every time she did something illegal.

She set her plan in motion. All in all it took about an hour. She had to admit, after what she'd done she felt good. There was an extra pep in her step as she sauntered down the driveway.

She dialed a familiar number, feeling more and more gidy with every ring.

_"La-Lapis?! Oh my god baby I am so sorry! I just totally lost my mind! I'm so glad you called! I'm so sorry Laz. This was all I wanted.. a chance to speak to you and talk some sense into you! I-"_

"Sense? Well, I definitely don't have any of that. But the last time I checked neither did you. Anyways, I was just calling to let you know that I decided to do a little hunting." Lapis mused, unable to stop the smile on her face, "I guess you needed a lesson in how not the bother me, so I set it up for you. Good luck finding my traps."

She hung up and decided to head into town to pick up some ingredients for sandwiches. Lapis decided that she could have her very serious discussion with Peridot over a meal.

\------------------------------

Peridot had been sufficiently upset when she woke up. Lapis was gone, and she'd only left behind a vague note. But that's just how her friend was.

Liking Lapis came with lots of issues. There was obviously having to deal with Jasper being crazy, everyone telling her what a bad idea it was, and also just coming to terms with how Lapis felt.

The blonde was happy that her friend wanted to be close to her and even be romantic with her at times. But if she was being honest with herself this wasn't what she wanted.

She wanted Lapis to be her girlfriend. She wanted it to be more serious. The blonde sighed, walking into her living room and picking up her cat, holding the small animal closely.

More than anything she guessed she wanted security. She wanted a title that would tell other people to back off and that it was serious.

She jumped as knocks rattled against her screen door, and her cat decided to use her stomach as a jumping platform to take off from.

She cursed and walked up to see who it was. Lapis was standing there, holding up a grocery bag. Was it really noon already? She'd slept in for so long.

She opened the door and let Lapis inside.

"I brought lunch." The blue haired girl announced, walking into the kitchen.

Peridot followed her, "Breakfast for me. I just woke up."

"That's fine, too. You got a bunch of beauty sleep, superstar?"

The blonde blushed at the nickname, shaking her head and sitting at the table as her friend began assembling sandwiches.

She wasn't very eager to talk to Lapis about her realization in how she felt, but there's no time like the present, right?

"We need to talk."

They'd both said it at the same time. They both looked rather tense, and the taller girl set their plates down on the table before taking a seat as well. Peridot took the sandwich in her hands, nodded in acknowledgement at the taller girl.

"I was think about what's been going on between us. It's occurring to me more and more, especially after yesterday, that.. this isn't good." Lapis announced, watched Peridot's face drop, "I don't think this is good for you. I don't know how to feel about you, and just doing whatever I want with you is reckless. I don't want to hurt you. So we shouldn't-"

"Yeah, no. I.. Lapis, did you not hear me the last time we talked about this? I know how you feel, or rather, how you don't." Peridot interjected, "Look, I want you to like me. I want you to love me one day. But right now I'm really happy loving you and I just want to keep up with this pace we have going." 

"Per, I don't think it's very smart-"

"It's not. But I don't care. I'm happy and I like this. Do you feel the same way?" The blonde asked, locking her eyes with Lapis'.

The taller girl was quiet for a moment, before nodding her head slowly, "Yeah.."

"Then that's that. Let's be happy. Oh, and also I want you to be my girlfriend. Can we do that?"

Lapis blinked, "You're being very forward today."

"I found it's best to be as direct as possible with you and after you kissed me last night I feel very confident." Peridot replied, "Will you be my girlfriend?"

The blue haired girl chuckled a bit. Her friend had become increasing good at figuring out how to deal with her. Peridot seemed perfectly content with throwing caution to the wind. Maybe just choosing what makes you happy isn't so wrong?

Maybe it was okay to be selfish when it's mutually beneficial. She knew that there was a chance this could blow up in both of their faces, but if Peridot was willing to try then she wanted to as well.

No matter how chaotic it could be, or how risky.

"Okay.. Yeah, I'll be your girlfriend."


	18. Chapter 18

"Your girlfriend is doing that thing again." Amethyst said, making a gagging noise.

"What are you talking about?" Peridot asked, extra confused because she was staring right at Lapis. Her girlfriend was across the cafeteria with Garnet, getting lunch and smiling as she met eyes with the blonde.

"Smiling. It's weird when she does that." Amethyst responded.

"It's weird when she does anything." Pearl muttered, letting out a huff when Peridot elbowed her.

"You guys are the ones being weird. Lapis smiles all the time." Peridot rolled her eyes at them.

"Maybe around you but I've never seen her smile before you guys started dating and getting gross." Amethyst scoffed, "It's like you're dating a feral dog that only likes you."

"A wolf." Pearl corrected.

"You guys are starting to bug me with all this. Lapis and Garnet seem to be getting along. Why can't you guys be supportive?" Peridot asked, frowning at her friends.

"Because it's insane." Pearl replied.

"It's not like they're buddies or anything. They literally only talk about the weather and the anatomy of dead birds." Amethyst pointed out, "It's weird."

"They're in zoology together!" Peridot defended, a look of relief coming to her face as Lapis and Garnet walked back to their table.

"Per, I got you another orange." The blue haired girl mused, sitting down next to her girlfriend.

"Wow! Thanks!" Peridot smiled, taking it from her and beginning to peel it in one big piece.

"It's just an orange." Pearl muttered.

"Well I like oranges and I've been trying to perfect my peeling skills for optimum disposal so I find it very considerate." Peridot snapped back, glaring at her cousin.

"Whatever. I'm going to the library." Pearl rushed off, lessening the tension at the table.

"Don't worry. She'll get over it after she processes her feelings." Garnet announced.

"Your first match is tonight." Lapis said, looking directly at Amethyst, "Per suggested that I help you warm up for it, if you want."

"U-Uh.. That's okay. I don't think I could handle how stressful that might be." Amethyst replied.

"I see." Lapis deadpanned, returning to eating her food.

Peridot sighed, leaning into her girlfriend's shoulder. The taller girl placed a kiss on the blonde's forehead.

Lapis was trying to be nice to Peridot's friends so it would be easier on the short girl. She knew it stressed the blonde out that her friends didn't get along with her girlfriend. 

So far she had only been successful in taking to Garnet about homework and the weather. Amethyst seemed weirded out by her and Pearl straight up hated her.

It was too complicated for her taste, but Lapis figured she'd appease her girlfriend by being civil.

"So how about that weather?"

\-------------------------------------------------

"I'm going to be training longer than normal from now on so the finale will be easier." Lapis said as they walked to Peridot's car.

"Okay. So since you won last year you barely have to fight?" The blonde asked, unlocking her car.

"It would be a waste of time for me to fight every fight, or worse have people bow out because I beat someone too badly." Lapis confirmed, "I prefer it this way. It's safer for the newer girls."

They drove back to Lapis' house, chatting about the fights and if they were going to go to support Amethyst. But when they got to her house they noticed a big figure on the porch.

"Stay in the car." Lapis muttered, getting out herself.

"Lapis this isn't-"

"Stay in the car and lock the doors. Everything will be fine."

Peridot frowned, fear written all over her face. She watched Lapis walk over to this person, anxiety brewing.

The figure stood up as Lapis got closer, and left the shadows of the porch. Peridot gasped, realizing who it was.

Jasper was standing there, bandages all over her face and arms. She had a large box in her hands that she dropped at Lapis' feet.

"I see you found the traps." The blue haired girl mused, looking down at the contents of the box. It was all the stuff she'd left at Jasper's house and various contraptions not unlike bear traps in nature.

"Please tell me this is all of them. I can't sleep anymore because I'm worried that I'll wake up to another one. It's driving me insane." Jasper muttered.

Lapis picked looked through the contents of the box and hummed, shrugging her shoulders, "Why should I tell you?"

"Laz, please. I swear I'll leave you alone. The only time you'll see me is in the competition." Jasper pleaded.

"This is all of them." Lapis confirmed, picking up the box.

"I'm going to kill you the next time we fight. You're a monster. I'd be doing the world a favor." Jasper muttered.

A twisted smile formed on Lapis' face that sent chills down her ex's spine. They'd known each other for so long, but she'd forgotten how vicious Lapis Lazuli could be. Or rather, she thought she'd broken her enough that Lapis would never do anything to her.

She was wrong.

"Try." Lapis said simply, before walking up to her front door and setting the box down.

She waved as Jasper walked away, her ex only feeling slightly better than when she showed up.

When Jasper hopped the fence into another neighborhood Peridot got out of her car and ran up to her girlfriend.

"What happened?! You're okay right?" The blonde looked her girlfriend up and down, checking for any injuries.

"Yes, I'm okay. I told you everything would be fine Per." Lapis replied, turning away to unlock her front door.

"What happened to Jasper?" Peridot asked, "And what's in that box?"

"Jasper learned that she's not in control and to stay away. Don't look in the box, Per." Lapis sighed, picking it up and taking it inside.

"D-Did.. No.. You didn't do that to her, did you?" Hesitation was clear in the blonde's voice.

"If I said that I did, would you be afraid of me?" Lapis inquired, opening the door to her father's room. 

The blonde had never seen it before. It was clean, devoid of any personal touches. It looked more like an empty guest bedroom than somewhere someone used to live.

"Maybe a little. But.. You had every reason to get revenge. I know that you wouldn't hurt someone just because you wanted to. You're a good person." Peridot murmured, following Lapis into the room.

Lapis opened the closet door to reveal an assortment of weapons and tools. Rope, guns, knives, large rolls of plastic, a tool kit, a few buckets, a few nightsticks and a machete.

Everything about the situation in front of her made her mind scream at her to run.

"It's not my stuff. Well, one of the rifles and a pistol is. But other than that everything in here is my father's." Lapis explained, "I guess he thought that taking all this stuff might be a little frightening to the woman he was talking to in his new town."

"W-Why are you showing me all this?" Peridot asked, trembling a bit as she looked up at her girlfriend.

"I'm not. You walked in here with me." The taller girl replied, setting down the box and closing the closet door.

"Can I just pretend I never saw any of this?" Peridot's voice shook, her tone hushed.

Lapis walked over to her slowly, extending her arms out to the blonde. Peridot assumed it was so she wouldn't scare her.

Peridot slowly got closer until she was in her girlfriend's grasp. She rested her head on Lapis' chest, listening to her heartbeat.

"You can pretend, but it won't last for very long." Lapis replied, setting her chin on top of the blonde's head.

"It's scary." Peridot admitted, gripping onto the back of Lapis' shirt.

"I'm sorry. I won't ever hurt you, I swear." The taller girl murmured.

"I know."

They stayed like that for a while until Peridot's phone went off. It was her mom, making sure she'd be home for dinner and asking if she was okay with Chinese takeout.

They were suppose to work on their project, but the blonde suddenly felt way too tired to read a book about a fictious vampire. She just wanted to curl up with Lapis, pretend none of this happened and go to sleep.

"Want go to my house? I know we're supposed to do homework but.. can we just do it in the morning? Will you stay the night?" Peridot requested.

Lapis was surprised. She definitely hadn't thought this would be Peridot's reaction. She figured the blonde would want some time alone to figure it all out, not to cling to the person that was causing her concern.

"Of course. If that's what you want."

"This way I can ask you whatever questions I have, too."

They went up to Lapis' room so she could grab some extra clothes. Peridot looked around the room. Everything was the same. Why did it feel so different?

She looked at Lapis. She still loved her, but now.. Is this how everyone else felt around her girlfriend? Scared and unsure of what she could do?

Peridot suddenly felt like she didn't know Lapis at all. She didn't think that her girlfriend was capable of hurting someone that badly and not caring at all.

"Why did you do that? To Jasper.." Peridot asked tentatively.

"I guess.. for a lot of reasons. I was mad about what she did at the bowling alley. I've been having these terrible thought lately." Lapis began to explain, "But if I really had to say why I did it I'd say it's revenge. She's done so much to hurt me. I guess I just finally snapped. I wanted her to leave me alone, but I also wanted to hurt her too."

Peridot nodded slowly, mulling it over in her mind. It made sense. If she was Lapis she would want to hurt Jasper too. Hell, she wanted to hurt Jasper herself a lot of the time. But seeing how Lapis went about it.. It was like torture.

But wasn't that fair? Jasper had done everything she could to tear Lapis down. Maybe it wasn't so much that Peridot was afraid of Lapis. Maybe it was more that this shattered her view of her sweet, gentle girlfriend.

It was beginning to dawn on her that it shouldn't. Lapis would **never** hurt her. She'd watched Lapis put up with so much and just walk away from it instead of getting involved.

Lapis was always doing her best to keep her calm, to stay in control of herself. It was one of the things the blonde had admired about her girlfriend.

"Have you been talking to Rose about all these thoughts?" Peridot asked.

"Yeah. She's looking different ways to try to psycho analyze me." Lapis replied, zipping up her bag.

They walked out if the house and Lapis locked the door. She turned to walk to Peridot's car, but her partner stopped her.

She looked down at the hand the blonde had grabbed. Peridot laced their fingers together and relief washed over Lapis. She'd been worried about what Peridot was thinking about all of this, but this at least had to mean that her girlfriend didn't hate her now.

"I'm a little dazed.. and concerned. I didn't know you could do something like that." Peridot murmured, "But.. I understand why you did it."

The blonde leaned up on the tips of her toes to give Lapis a small kiss.

"I love you. Let's watch a movie when we get to my house. I want to cuddle with you."

Lapis looked absolutely dumbstruck. She was more than happy to oblige.


	19. Chapter 19

"Do you think this outfit screams 'I'm gay'?" Peridot asked, pulling open the sliding door of her closet. 

Lapis was laying on the blonde's bed, trying to figure out the newspaper's crossword puzzle. She looked out to see her short girlfriend in a white shirt that said 'Girls Are Cute', black shorts, horizontal rainbow leggings and her usual pair of tennis shoes.

"Uh, yeah. I would say so. You on the market for a new girlfriend or something?" Lapis asked, "Or did someone not tell me it was extra gay day? Are you going to wear that today? I thought your dad was coming to visit you."

"No, no! I just.. It's because of him, actually. I came out to my mom when I moved here, but.. I still haven't told me dad. I get so nervous about saying it, so I figured if I wore this then I could get a read on his reaction before I got up close." Peridot sighed, walking up to her girlfriend.

"That's the weirdest thing I've ever heard. Okay, what do you think he's going to say? The worst thing, and the best thing." The taller girl grabbed the blonde's hands, giving her a small smile.

"I don't know. He doesn't really.. He sort of just blocks out all homosexuality? Like just glazes over it entirely. My mom said she never noticed him have a problem with gay people, just that he didn't really understand. But I'm his kid, so I mean.. he's obviously got to take a stance on it, right?" Peridot frowned, leaning her head against Lapis', "The best would just be that nothing changes. The worst would be him disowning me."

"I could act like a total stalker and follow you guys, laying in wait. I'm pretty good at being sneaky." Lapis offered, "Anyways, I'll be there when it's over."

Peridot tried not to laugh, but she couldn't help it, "You're such a serial killer. No, I'm good."

"Anything for you, m'lady." The blue haired girl mused.

"Thanks Lapis. I'm scared, but I feel better knowing you're here for me." Peridot smiled, "I love you."

The blonde leaned down to kiss her girlfriend before Lapis' frown could form in response to her words. The taller girl seemed to get more unsettled every time Peridot said those three words, especially after everything that happened after Jasper showed up at her house last month. It was like the more Peridot found out about her to worse it made her feel.

Rose said she was afraid, and that it was hurting her because she wasn't facing her emotions. She then asked Lapis to describe what she thought of Peridot.

_"I don't know. She's nice. I like how energetic she gets about the things she likes, and that she's so honest. I worry about her, though. She voices her opinions, and I like that, but it could get her in trouble. I want to protect her. She's my best friend. I've never met someone so good. I just want to be close to her and be there for her. I don't ever want us to be apart, and every moment with her is somehow better."_

_"Sounds like love to me." Rose observed, "Have you considered that?"_

_"Love.. Doesn't exist for people like me."_

She didn't like to think of all of that, though. So instead she focused on how nice her girlfriend's lips felt, and how being kissed never felt this good with anyone else.

"Peridot, your father is out front!" Peridot's mom called from down the hall.

The blonde blushed, pulling away from Lapis, "Oh no.. Maybe the clothes aren't such a good idea.. I don't have any time to think of anything else.."

"Here." Lapis said, pulling off her grey jacket and hanging it to her girlfriend, "If you cover your shirt and he's super oblivious he'll just think the rainbows are just because you're a girl."

Peridot smiled, pulling the warm cloth on. It smelled like Lapis. She leaned forward, giving Lapis one more small kiss before bidding her farewell for now.

Lapis sighed once she heard the front door close. Her sleeping bag had taken up permanent residence in the messy room, currently rolled up and stuffed under Peridot's bed. She decided to pick up some trash around the room. Even without the trash there was so much stuff in her girlfriend's room that it never didn't feel cluttered.

Somehow that actually felt nice, though. She could look at each object and practically see her girlfriend fussing over it before going into a long explanation over why it was great. Lapis liked when the blonde got like that. It made her feel included in everything Peridot did.

_"Sounds like love to me."_

Lapis frowned, looking at the bag full of trash in her hands. She walked down the hall and grabbed the kitchen's trash as well. She figured if she was going to take out the trash she might as well get all of it. When she tossed everything she realized it was trash day, so she rolled the can out to the driveway.

That was when she ran into Pearl and another woman. They pulled up, getting out. Pearl narrowed her eyes at the blue haired girl, and the woman with her smiled.

"Are you Lapis? Peridot's girlfriend, right? I'm her aunt." the woman smiled, "I've heard nice things about you."

"Hey mom, I need to talk to Lapis. I'll see you inside." Pearl said, urging her mother into the house.

"Pearl-"

"You just think you can take up residence here, don't you?" Pearl interjected, "I really didn't think you'd be able to keep it together this long and Peridot would have gotten over the appeal of you, but I think it's gone on for way too long. Peridot's a good person, with a normal life. Don't get in the way of that."

Lapis' eye widened. Pearl had never been so direct about hating her before. Why all of a sudden, though? Maybe she'd just been waiting until Peridot wasn't around. What was her problem? She was definitely right about what she was saying.. but it wasn't like Lapis hadn't already personally tried to tell Peridot all that stuff before.

"Did you hear me? God, you're so fucking dense. Peridot doesn't need your problems, okay? Just leave her alone. Jasper would be-" Pearl covered her mouth as she noticed her error, "Just leave her alone! You're dangerous."

Lapis narrowed her eyes, "Jasper would be what?"

"Never mind that! Leave my cousin alone!" Pearl snapped.

"Look, **bitch** I don't know what you're playing at, but I don't fucking care!" Lapis hissed, "If you want me away from my girlfriend then you're going to have to do something about it."

Lapis put her arms behind her back, "I'll even give you the first shot."

"You're insane.." Pearl muttered, walking away to go inside.

Lapis decided she could leave all her stuff at Peridot's. She didn't want to go back in there. She felt all frazzled and riled up now. The biggest loss of her breakup was that she couldn't spar with Jasper anymore. The only time they were good partners was when they were fighting.

She decided it would be best to run all this stress off, so she took off towards the fields. Somewhere she could run far away. She didn't have to stop out there if she didn't want to.

She **was** crazy, and she **didn't** want to get in the way of Peridot's life. Lapis took a running leap across the creek in front of her, really getting into the woods now.

What was she supposed to do? Peridot wanted her around, and she couldn't help but want to be there. There wasn't anywhere she'd rather be. For a long time she was sure there wasn't a single good thing about this world, but when she got to know Peridot she found out that wasn't true. The shorter girl was patient and kind, making a place for Lapis at her side. 

If someone wanted to take that away from her they were going to have to drag her, kicking and screaming. There was no way she was going to leave Peridot. She **cared** about her. Way, way more than she was comfortable with.

She skidded to a halt when she saw a stag. She was getting way too far out into the woods and it was getting late. She would be fine out there normally, but she wasn't dressed for it tonight and Peridot was going to need her.

She checked her phone and started running back. She wanted to be close when Peridot called. Lapis got back to her house forty-five minutes later. After a much needed shower she pulled on some fresh clothes and went to her kitchen to look through the fridge.

She pulled out a watermelon, deciding it was exactly was she needed. Just as she was about to dig in she got the call.

"Lapis, are you still at my house?" Peridot sounded okay, and the blue haired girl felt immediately relieved.

"No, I'm at mine. Want me to come over?"

"Uh, yeah. My dad sort of wants to meet you." Peridot murmured.

"O-oh.. Okay. I'll be there in like twenty minutes." Lapis hung up, rushing upstairs. She put some actual pants on instead of flimsy athletic shorts, grabbing a jacket as well. She put the watermelon in a big tupperware container and took off on her rickety old bike.

She stood in front of the door five minutes later, taking a deep breath before knocking.

Peridot's mom opened the door, much to her relief. She greeted her and they walked into the kitchen. The blonde was sitting at the table with her dad, looking a little nervous. When the man saw Lapis he stood up and extended his hand out to her.

Lapis didn't miss a beat, shaking his hand very firmly, "I'm Lapis Lazuli. Nice to meet you, sir."

"Nice to meet you as well, young lady. I've heard a lot about you tonight, all good things." he smiled, "But I had to see you for myself if I was going to be able to leave tomorrow with any piece of mind. Sorry to make you come over so late."

"Oh, it's no problem. Anything for Peridot." Lapis replied, setting the watermelon on the table.

"So you're the domestic type of girl?" he asked, sitting back down.

"Pardon?" Lapis' brows furrowed, a bewildered look across her face. She knew she wasn't great at these situations, but something felt really weird about this question right off the bat.

"Oh, it's just my daughter was telling me about how you cook and everything. So I figured you were the girly type."

"I live alone, so I learned how to cook and clean." Lapis responded, shooting Peridot a confused look.

"Alone? After what happened to you? Well, that's no good! I hope a feminine girl like you has a good security system, at least." he said, shrugging, "Well, I have to admit I was a bit concerned when I heard my daughter was dating you. Having such a bad thing happen is truly awful. But you seem like a nice, proper girl. I'm sure you'll be able to take care of my daughter. She said you're going for a scholarship. What field do you want to go into?"

"Y-Yeah, I am. I'm interested in biology." Lapis responded to the only part of all that garbage she felt was appropriate.

They continued on with this tense conversation for an hour until Peridot's dad announced he had to leave. Lapis shook his hand again on the way out, and when he was finally gone she felt so drained. Peridot led the taller girl to her room, saying she should spend the night.

"Per, I think we just got straight logic-ed." The blue haired girl muttered.

"What do you mean?" The blonde asked, sitting down on her bed.

"I'm pretty sure your dad just made me the girl of our relationship." Lapis responded, pulling off her shoes and crawling on Peridot's bed.

"Yeah.. I thought that was kind of weird. Sorry if he made you uncomfortable. I can talk to him about it next time. I'm mostly just really relived that he seems okay with me being.. me. You know?" The shorted girl murmured, pulling off her shoes as well so she could turn around and face her girlfriend.

Lapis just nodded her head, "I missed you, earlier. Oh, and your cousin told me that I should leave you today."

"What?! Pearl?" Peridot asked, "I can't believe her. Well, I can but wow. What'd you say?"

"I told her if she wanted us apart she was going to have to fight me and offered her the first shot. She went inside, so I guess it's fine for now." Lapis shrugged, leaning forward to rest her head on Peridot's shoulder.

Peridot laughed, shaking her head, "You're crazy."

"Yeah, lately I've been starting to think I'm especially crazy about you." Lapis murmured, lifting her head to look Peridot in the eyes.

"W-What?" the shorter girl stammered.

"Thinking about you has been making me feel weird. I talked to Rose, and she told me to think about it. After I talked to Pearl I went for a run, because she really pissed me off. And I was thinking about how she's right. I shouldn't get in your way. I don't want to drag you down. But I'm sorry, Per. I don't think I can stop. I don't want to leave your side, not ever. I have never felt like this before and I'm sort of starting to think that I might be in love with you." Lapis confessed, "I just can't help it. I'm sor-"

She was cut off by the blonde basically pouncing on her, lips stopping any form of speech. Peridot was suddenly in her lap, legs curling around Lapis' waist, but then she suddenly stopped, starting to pull away.

"Oh shit, Lapis I'm sorry I didn't mean to be so.. Sorry. I know you get anxious with this stuff-"

"No, it's okay Per. Just.. a little slower for me, okay?" Lapis smiled, hands reaching forward and gripping onto the blonde's back, pulling her closer.

Peridot beamed, nodding her head before leaning into her girlfriend's embrace.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sooo this chapter's sort of sad. We've got some Lapis/Jasper relationship stuff and a suicide attempt/mention.

_"Hey! Wild child!"_

_Lapis' window was open. She rolled her eyes, walking over and looking down at the large girl. Her frayed blonde hair got in her face and she blew it out of her eyes._

_"Come out to play, songbird!" Jasper yelled, hands cupped against her mouth._

_Lapis looked over at her homework, then at the pile of books her therapist gave her on 'working through the pain' before looking back down and grinning._

_" **Catch!** " The slimmer girl cried, pushing herself backwards out of the window._

_Jasper struggled to rush into the right spot, face pale when she caught the smaller girl, "What would you have done if I hadn't gotten there in time?!"_

_"Died." Lapis mused, pushing herself up and out of Jasper's grasp, "What do you have planned now?"_

_"Well I've got to top crawling out of a second story window so give me a second.."_

\-------------------------------

"Lapis?" Peridot asked.

Lapis took a deep breath, focusing her gaze. Amethyst had been asking her a bunch of questions about her ex. Prying was apparently her specialty and Peridot hadn't gotten there yet.

"I.. Jasper and I were both messed up. It was easy to be messed up together. I have to go." Lapis muttered, pushing away the tray of food and booking it out of the cafeteria.

\-------------------------------

_"My dad beat the shit out of me for years until I started fighting back." Jasper murmured, coughing out her hit before she passed the blunt over to the blonde girl beside her._

_"That's fucked." Lapis muttered, taking a hit of her own, glassy eyes staring out the window in Jasper's room._

_"Yeah, but look at you. You're still strong. You don't even care." Jasper sighed, sitting up.._

_"There's a difference between not caring and running. Right now I'm running." Lapis mumbled, walking over to the window and setting her fingers against the glass, "He once told me 'It doesn't matter where you go. You can't hide from yourself.' And he was right. In the end, hiding is impossible."_

_Jasper walked over to her, setting her hand on the girl's back, "So you're running to me?"_

_Lapis pulled away from the grasp, closer to the window, "Don't touch me."_

\-------------------------------

Lapis ran so fast she couldn't hear the footsteps rushing behind her, just weight slapping against concrete. Why did she have to ask? Who cared about what it was like with her and Jasper before everything? What did it matter? She didn't want to think about it. She could barely bring herself to say anything to Rose.

She could feel wet drops hit her arms as she rushed forward, but didn't register the rain as she pushed along.

\--------------------------------

_"Come on, Laz. It's not like it's anything new, right? And I've been nice to you, right? I like you." Jasper's grasp was firm on her shirt as she attempted to pull it up and Lapis' fingers hooked onto it to hold it down._

_Lapis shook, "I-I..."_

_"It'll be different. Don't you want to see what it's like when it's different?"_

_Lapis looked down at her blue stained hands from the fresh dye she just washed out of her hair. Different? Maybe, but she wasn't sure that she wanted to do that ever again. She pushed Jasper away, pulling her shoes on and walking toward the window to pull it open._

_"I'm the only one that talks to you! If you leave.. If you leave I won't! You'll be all alone!"_

_Lapis froze, staring at her reflection in the glass. Maybe it would be okay, if she just didn't think about it. She didn't want to be all alone anymore.. Maybe different would be good._

\--------------------------------

Suddenly an hand grabbed her arm, pulling her. Lapis' eye widened as a car sped away right in front of her face, horn honking.

"Are you fucking stupid?!"

Lapis turned, looking up at the owner of the hand squeezing her flesh. Jasper's hair was soaked. She was apparently just as unprepared for the rain as Lapis was. The blue haired girl ripped her arm out of the grasp, eyes having a hard time focusing on what was happening.

"Lapis!"

She could hear Peridot's voice in the distance. The shorter girl must have followed her.

"Why..? I thought.. You said you were going to kill me." Lapis managed to get those words out, eyes broken and confused as she staring up at her ex.

"Old habits die hard, don't they?" Jasper offered, before turning and leaving.

Lapis' legs buckled underneath her, the puddle of rain on the sidewalk below her helping her body with the quick decent.

"Lapis!" Peridot huffed, gasping for air as she got closer to her girlfriend, "Are you okay?!"

\---------------------------------

_Lapis' blonde, mid-length hair blew in a fury as the wind dared her body to crash down. She was on top of the school building. Fourteen was supposed to be a fresh start. But it wasn't, because no one could forget and neither could she. She looked down at the forty foot drop, wondering if this was enough. The rain sounded like it had actual weight to it as it smashed to the ground._

_She leaned forward, feeling the anticipation of the gravity, a nervous squirming feeling in her chest._

_Then she felt an hand grip onto her arm, pulling her away the the edge._

_**"Are you fucking stupid?!"** _

\---------------------------------

Lapis shook her head rapidly as she felt hot tears cascading down her face.

"No.. I'm not okay. I-I don't know if I'm e-ever going to be o-okay.." her voice cracked. Very few times had her heart ever felt so heavy.

Peridot's eyes were wide, and she bit her lip as she extended her hands out. Lapis grabbed them with much force, pulling the blonde close to her as she sobbed, sounds deaf on anyone's ears but their's as the rain intensified.

"It'll be okay.. It'll be okay, Lapis. I've got you." Peridot murmured, wrapping her arms around her girlfriend as well, returning the crushing embrace.

\---------------------------------

Peridot poured the hot water into cups, bringing them over to the table where her girlfriend sat with bloodshot eyes.

"I'm not very good at these things, so I hope it's right." The blonde said, setting the tea bags into the mugs.

They'd gotten back to Lapis' house and changed out of their wet clothes. Period had quickly borrowed some clothes and left to change in the bathroom, trying not to look at Lapis pulled her drenched one's off with a blank expression on her face.

Then Peridot brought her girlfriend in the kitchen to apparently watch her fumble as she tried to figure out how to make tea. 

Lapis got up and grabbed the sugar, pouring some in both cups, "You have to put the sugar in while it's hot so it dissolves.."

"O-Oh." Peridot bit her lip, feeling a bit stupid for not thinking about it. Of course that was how it worked.

But then the blue haired girl leaned down and kissed her forehead. The blonde smiled a bit, feeling slightly relieved at the gesture. She watched as Lapis opened up the supply closet in the kitchen a pulled up a candle with some matches.

It read 'Jasmine', and did indeed smell of the flower. Lapis didn't join her back at the table, instead opting to sit on the floor by the blonde's chair.

"I'm a mess." Lapis mumbled, bringing her knees in towards her chest.

"You're a pretty mess." Peridot offered.

A weak smile graced the taller girl's lips before they shook, tears falling once again, "I'm so sorry... I'msosorryi'msosorryi'msosorry!"

Her words jumbled together as she cried out. Peridot popped up out of her chair, wrapping her arms around her girlfriend and began rocking her lightly.

"I love you." Peridot murmured, kissing both of Lapis' tear stained cheeks.

"How?" The blue haired girl whispered.

"Loving you is just easy." The shorted girl smiled, whipping away Lapis' tears with her hands. 

She felt lips connect with her's, a body pushing her's down and crawling over it. The blonde had never fallen so slowly, or been so nervous.

Lapis stopped their feverish kissing, eyes softer than Peridot had ever seen them, staring down at her as the thunder roared outside. The only sound was the sound of the rain pelting the house, and the only light was from the overcast sun illuminated by the candle, save for flashes of lightening.

"I love you. I'm messed up and horrible. I might never not be. Can I still love you?" Lapis asked, pain evident on her face.

"I don't ever want there to be a time where you don't." The blonde replied, bringing a hand up to her girlfriend's cheek.

Lapis bared her weight forward again, laying her body on the shorter girl's. She rested her head in the crook of Peridot's neck, closing her eyes and wishing life could always be as peaceful as it was in her girlfriend's grasp.


	21. Chapter 21

"I think I broke my knuckle last night." Amethyst muttered, extending her hand out on the table, "After I got home I put ice on it but it still hurts."

Lapis' eyes snapped up, looking at the shorter girl's hand. It was obviously bruised very badly, deep purple in color. But it still looked like it was in the right place.

"Can I see it?" she asked. Amethyst nodded and Lapis grabbed her hand, bending the finger.

Amethyst flinched, but didn't cry out in pain.

"No, it's fine. It's just bruised really badly. You should wrap your hands next time you fight. You should have been doing it anyways." The blue haired girl shrugged, "Keep icing it."

"No! You should go to the doctor!" Pearl objected, glaring at Lapis from across the table.

"I don't really want to spend the money for it if I don't have to." Amethyst said, "Are you sure it's okay Lazuli?"

"Yeah. You shouldn't keep fighting with it because it could break, but that's up to you."

"How would you know?!" Pearl snapped.

Lapis sighed, pulling her left hand away from Peridot's to set both of them flat on the table, "Look at mine. I've broken almost every single one of them. I know what a broken bone feels like, and if Amethyst had one than even that small bend would have at least made her say 'ow'."

The girls at the table stared down at her hands, knuckles raised or uneven depending on the finger.

"I never even noticed." Peridot murmured, frowning a bit.

"It's only really noticeable if you're looking for it. I haven't broken one in a long time so they've all been healing for a while. Fresh ones look a lot worse." Lapis explained, pulling her hands off the table to show them to her girlfriend up close, "If you run your fingers over them you can feel the scar tissue underneath. Depending on how bad the break is the more tissue builds up and longer it take to go away."

"How many bones have you broken?!" Amethyst grinned, looking all excited. Pearl just rolled her eyes, and Garnet seemed content minding her own business.

"Uhm.. I've broken several phalanges, both carpels, my radius and ulna on both arms, my clavicle, a tarsal, my tibia and fibula on my left leg, several ribs, my pubis, and both patella." Lapis listed off, getting increasing uncomfortable with the looks she was getting.

"And what does that mean in English?" Amethyst asked, tilting her head in confusion.

"She's broken several fingers, her wrists, the bones in her arms, her collarbone, her ankle, the bones in her left leg, her ribs, her pubic bone and both her knees. Right?" Garnet rattle off, raising her head up.

"A few toes too." Lapis confirmed.

"What?!" Peridot cried, grabbing her girlfriend's arm.

"Holy crap! That's like all of them!" Amethyst exclaimed, "Which one was the worst?"

"It was only thirty-seven bones in total. There's two hundred and six bones in the adult skeleton, so I definitely didn't break every bone." Lapis shook her head, patting Peridot's hand lightly.

The bell rang, saving her from having to answer the last question. She really didn't want to freak Peridot out any more than she clearly was. The blonde appeared to be very shaken by this new information. They didn't talk about stuff like that.

Lapis decided to walk Peridot to class in hopes it would ease her girlfriend's nerves a bit before they had to part.

"You never told me any of that." Peridot murmured, gripping onto the blue haired girl's hand tightly.

"There was never any reason to talk about it, Per. Don't worry yourself about it. It's all in the past. I'm okay now." Lapis replied, giving the blonde's hand a small squeeze back.

\-------------------------------------

Peridot was very much not over the topic even though it had been hours and they were studying in her room with absolutely no mention of it. She couldn't concentrate. How was she supposed to?

"Per, you're staring and I can tell by the look in your eyes it's not for the good reason. Are you still thinking about lunch?" Lapis sighed, closing her zoology book.

"I just.. had no idea." The blonde mumbled, her head lowering in defeat and setting her pencil down, "Now I feel.. bad. It hurts to think that all of that happened to you."

"You just need to stop thinking about it, Per. It's okay, broken bones happen. To everybody, not just me." Lapis mused, walking over to wrap Peridot up in her arms and pressing her lips to her girlfriend's forehead.

"I guess so.. But it's just so many."

"Well, they didn't all happen at once. Like the tarsal I broke in my ankle. It was my talus. It's actually one of the only things I remember really well about being young with my mother. We were walking through the woods, but I guess it had recently rained; so the ground was a little more loose than normal. I went to slide down a hill and totally lost control. It was really fast, and when I was at the bottle a bunch of rocks had tumbled down with me and crushed my foot." Lapis shrugged, smiling a bit, "I was a kid, so obviously I was going to heal quickly. And it hurt, but I'd always had a pretty decent pain tolerance for a kid so I only really cried and screamed when I had to move it. But my mother was hysterical. She absolutely lost it. All over a little break, can you believe that?"

"Yeah, I can believe that. She was your mom. Of course she cried because you were in pain. That's what mom's do." Peridot frowned, "She was worried about you because she loved you."

"Huh. A guess that's another one for the 'normal girl' memory bank." Lapis murmured, "It's weird to think about her. There's so much I don't remember, and what I do remember is always something like her crying or screaming. I guess I would be too if I were married to someone like my father, though."

"Why's that?" Peridot asked, on the edge of her seat with all the new information. The blue haired girl never spoke about the past, especially not this much.

"I.. He was a cruel man. He still is. He saw her as his property, an object whose only use was to make his life better." The taller girl muttered, her eyes somehow darker than ever, "He was violent and manipulative. He could trick someone into anything. It's a good thing that he's gone now."

Then Lapis said she didn't want to talk about it anymore and that she was going to go get her medicine. Everything about her past seemed to be somehow light and dark at the same time. Peridot couldn't stop wondering why.

\------------------------------------------

_Lapis sighed, pushing open the door to her house. She had massive dark circles around her eyes, and her hair was all messed up from pulling on it in the girl's bathroom in the middle of a massive anxiety attack. She walked into the kitchen and dropped her backpack on the floor, scanning the fridge for any notes her dad might have left behind._

_'Order a pizza at 6:45 exactly.' Was the only new addition. It was much of the only way they really communicated anymore. He seemed mad at her all the time now that she was back, and she'd never felt so hated by him before._

_Lapis cursed, looking at the clock. 6:48. She quickly dialed the number and ordered the pizza she knew he wanted. She hoped they weren't busy or later than normal. She really didn't want him to give her that 'you fucked up' look again._

_She frowned, walking into his office. She knew that was going to piss him off more, but she really needed her social security number because all the doctors kept asking her for it since they couldn't get a hold of her father._

_She scanned through the files, but there were so many that it was taking forever. The pizza got there right as she found her name. She let out a small breath of relief, paying the pizza lady and setting it on the table before going back to her mission._

_She pulled out the file, but the contents spilled out. She spotted her social security card and shoved it in her pocket, before looking at everything else as she put the papers back in her file. Birth certificate, records of injuries, dental records, evidence of vaccinations... and a bank transaction?_

_Lapis held onto that one, sitting on the floor of her father's office. It was a transaction for last year, for a lapis lazuli stone. But that didn't make any sense. While they did have one, it was on the floor in the corner of this very office. And it was way heavier than 115 pounds, and much shorter than 5"2. Could it really be worth $250,000 dollars? Maybe it was a mess up and her dad decided not to sell the stone her grandparents gave him._

_But it was starting to feel very wrong, considering that was her exact height and weight the previous year. She squinted, trying to make out the smudged cursive of the recipients name. She grabbed a blank sheet off paper, writing it out. The name wasn't familiar to her, though it felt like there was something weird about it. Maybe it was a code?_

_She started shifting around the letters, until it happened. This was **his** name. Her captor's name all mixed up._

_"N-no way... There's no way.." Lapis whispered, eyes wide and filling with tears as she clutched onto the papers. She jumped, hearing the slam of a door._

_"Oh good, you got the pizza. Where are you?" Her father's voice called up. She wanted to get up, to put these files away and run. But she couldn't. She was frozen in place, heart pounding a million miles a second._

_"What are you doing in here? You should know better to snoop around. What's that you've got there?" He asked, leaning down next to her._

_Lapis couldn't look at him, couldn't face whatever his expression was in this very moment. Her shaking hands reached out, the papers almost touching his face. He ripped them away from her, humming as he looked over them._

_"So you figured it out, did you?" He asked, setting them aside._

_"W-Why... Wha.. What is going on?" Lapis choked out, body curling in on itself in a pathetic attempt to comfort herself._

_"Come on, Lapis. You're not a child anymore. Don't you think it was about time I found you a husband? Maybe it was a little early, but you weren't that much younger than your mother. You'd already gotten your period, and I wanted to do this before your attitude had a chance to develop any further. Guess I should have done it sooner, though. You ended up killing him, after all." His words were cold and careless. It was like he was talking to her about something obvious._

_"I-I didn't kill him.." She whispered, finding it harder and harder to breath._

_"You might as well have. It's made it entirely impossible to find someone else for you, especially now that you can't have children after what he had to do to you."_

\------------------------------------

"Lapis! Lapis, wake up!"

The blue haired girl gasped, body jolting as she came to.

"You were shaking and crying, are you okay?" Peridot asked, her hand on her girlfriend's shoulder.

"P-Per..." Lapis murmured, touching her cheek to find that it was soaked in tears, "I.. My dreams.. I-I need to get my pills."

The taller girl jumped out of the bed, grabbing her bag off the floor. She had a hard time opening it, hands still shaking terribly. She grabbed the bottle, cursing as she couldn't open it.

"Hey, come here I'll open it for you." Peridot murmured, watching as her girlfriend nodded her head erratically and got back in bed with her. Lapis had clung to her when they got into bed hours ago, as if she was worried about going to sleep. Was this why? Could she feel this episode coming on?

The blonde shook out three pills and dropped them into Lapis' waiting hand. Peridot gave her the water bottle she kept in between her pillows and watched her take her medication.

"Sorry I woke you up." Lapis' voice sounded so fragile, tugging at Peridot's heart strings.

"You don't have to apologize. I love you, I'm here for you whenever you need me." The blonde replied, a bit surprised when Lapis pulled her into her lap.

Lapis wrapped her arms around Peridot, leaning into her. It didn't make the pain go away, but it steadied her nerves a bit. Enough to get her to stop shaking and for the tears to stop pouring down. She tried to smile when she felt Peridot's hands brush against her skin delicately, but it just wouldn't happen.

Here she was, burdening the only person she loved yet again. Even if Peridot didn't care, Lapis felt like these were all problems just building up. One day the blonde would surely be sick of dealing with such a damaged person and move on, wouldn't she?

Lapis wanted to prolong that inevitable for as long as she could, but she couldn't hide these things from her girlfriend when she was always around her. She didn't want to be away from her either. She felt trapped, like all she could do was watch as she ruined everything.

Peridot was holding her hands, placing two small kisses on her palms as she rubbing her thumbs against them and Lapis did her best to commit this feeling to memory before all of this was over.


	22. Chapter 22

"So Garnet is having a sleepover at her house and she invited us to go. Would you.. want to go to something like that?" Peridot asked, staring down at the rubix cube in her hands as she fiddled with it.

They were in Lapis' bathroom, and the taller girl had just finished washing all the fresh dye out of her hair. She pulled her gloves off and started drying off her hair as she thought about it.

"I don't know, Per.. You know how I get sometimes with sleeping. Not to mention Pearl would be really annoyed. You know what, that's actually a good reason to go. I don't know. When is it? Can I think about it?" Lapis asked, an anxious look settling itself on her face.

"It's next week, and of course you can think about it!" Peridot replied, "I think it could be a lot of fun and you've been getting along with Garnet, right?"

"Per, we mostly talk about the weather and dead animals. That and old books."

"That's more than you talk about with anyone other than me, though. You guys could be friends!" The blonde smiled, "Wouldn't it be nice to have friends other than me?"

Lapis frowned, "Friends are tricky. And Garnet's nice, but she's often hard to read. It makes me uneasy when I can't tell what people are thinking. I like to keep tabs on how people react to things, it makes it easier to tell what's going on in their minds. It's stressful that I can't always tell what her intentions are. Besides, I don't need anyone but you."

Peridot blushed at the last bit of information, quickly turning the rubix cube. She didn't like that her girlfriend always believed that something bad was going to happen, unable to trust anyone. She wanted Lapis to feel safe enough to make friends and enjoy highschool while it still lasted.

Speaking of, the blonde still hadn't talked to Lapis about college yet. They'd applied to much of the same places before they were even dating just out of sheer coincidence, but she was starting to wonder what they would do now that they were together. Was it something they were going to factor in when they picked schools?

"You know, your roots are starting to show too. I could help you with them if you want." Lapis offered, towel around her neck hanging down as she leaned forward to be face to face with her girlfriend, setting her hands by the shorter girl's sides on the bathroom counter, "Not that it's not cute. I wonder what you look like with your natural hair. I bet you look good like that too."

Peridot's heart pounded, taking in the picture before her. Her girlfriend with wet hair, in a loose tank top with a sports bra and shorts on, getting closer and closer. Just as the anticipation of the incoming kiss was becoming unbearable they heard the door bell.

Lapis sighed, pulling away and walking out of the bathroom to see who it was. No one ever stopped by her house besides people trying to sell things or religious people trying to convert her. She wondered what the Jehovah's Witnesses would have to say about her having basically pinned her girlfriend to the counter.

But when she got to the door and looked out the peephole she froze. It couldn't be. There was no way. Peridot walked up behind her, asking who it was.

"I-I think it's someone I used to know. Before everything happened. Per, I need you to do me a really big favor and tell her I'm not here, okay?" Lapis asked.

"Uh, sure?" Peridot said, opening to door once Lapis was far enough down the hall, "Hello?"

"Hi! I uh.. I guess I didn't think about asking the guys if Lapis still lived here. Do you know where the Lazuli's moved to, by any chance?" It was a teenage girl, and a rather hip looking one at that. Her skin was dark, large circular earrings in her ears and like most people she was taller than the blonde. 

"Lapis still lives here, she's just not here right now." Peridot replied, "Who are you?"

"Oh okay. My name's Jenny. Can you just tell her that I stopped by and that my family just moved back to town?"

Peridot agreed to relay the message then closed the door as Jenny turned and left. She looked over at Lapis, surprised to see her girlfriend looking rather shocked.

"What's going on?" The blonde asked, walking over to the taller girl to get a better look at this expression she didn't know Lapis had.

"That was Jenny. She and I were friends before I was taken. Best friends, with friendship bracelets and everything."

"What happened?"

"I went missing. When I came back her family had moved out of town. Thanks for helping me dodge her." Lapis sighed, leaning forward and planting her lips on the top of the blonde's head.

"Why are you avoiding her? You shouldn't if you're friends."

"Just because we were friends then doesn't mean we're friends now, Per. I'm just.. not ready to see her and have that awkward conversation. I don't want to hear another person I used to know tell me they're sorry for what happened and then start avoiding me." Lapis murmured, "It was like that with all the girls we used to be friends with. The boys we were friends with wouldn't even talk to me. I guess I just want to keep the part of my memory where Jenny's conversations with me were about things like which flavored chapstick was better."

"I still think you should talk to her. She came to your house and everything. Did anyone else do that?" Peridot asked, looking up at her girlfriend with piercing eyes.

"N-No.." Lapis muttered, groaning as she ran a hand through Peridot's hair, "Why do you have to be so rational? It's my weakness."

"On top of being great and lovable, I am also objective and rational." Peridot grinned, letting out a little cackle.

The taller girl's expression changed at the laughter, her posture straightening out as she set her hands on her girlfriend's hips. Lapis narrowed her eyes, leaning down again to grab her small girlfriend, picking the blonde up as she squirmed.

"Wha-What are you doing?!" Peridot cried, eyes wide and cheeks scarlett.

Lapis smirked, walking them up the stairs to her room, "I'm going to indulge in the great and lovable part to see if I can hush the objective and rational."

\--------------------------------------------

Peridot watched as her girlfriend very specifically avoided the table of eyes on her across the cafeteria. Lapis had turned her body away from their direction, working on flashcards with Garnet for the marine biology chapter of their zoology class.

It was the only thing stopping the blonde from telling her girlfriend to go talk to Jenny. The weekend had ended and just like Peridot had hoped Jenny was now going to their school. There was no way her girlfriend could avoid her forever if they were in the same building every week day! Or, at least that's what she thought until she realized Lapis avoided Jasper in that exact fashion.

Peridot really didn't want to hassle Lapis about the topic, but she knew that friends were a good thing and that they would be a great thing for the blue haired girl's outlook of the world. Thankfully some higher power must have heard her pleas, because Jenny came walking up to their table with two boys in tow.

"Hey Lapis. Think we could chat?" Jenny asked, smiling nervously.

"I didn't know those two still had tongues." Lapis retorted, pointing to Buck and Sour Cream.

The boys looked away shamefully, and Jenny seemed to struggle more with keeping her smile.

"We just didn't know what to say.." Sour Cream trailed off, not wanting to spit up the rest of the words.

"Hi and hello typically work." Lapis muttered, scowling as Peridot nudged her, "Yeah, fine. Let's go talk."

The group of girls watched as Lapis walked out of the cafeteria with her old gang of friends.

"Oh man that is so awkward! Remember when Buck and Lapis used to date?" Amethyst chirped.

"I heard it was a cover up for him and Sour Cream." Pearl rolled her eyes, turning the page in her book.

"You know, there was a rumor that they were all secretly dating. Like, as a group."

Peridot's eye twitched a bit, and she looked down at the table and tried to block out the gossip. That was something that the girls still hadn't moved past even though Lapis hung out with them now. It got on the blonde's nerves, mostly because it was stupid. But a part of it got on her nerves because when she'd tell Lapis all the stuff Amethyst would say the taller girl would just roll her eyes and shrug.

Peridot wanted to ask her girlfriend about the things that worried her, but she was concerned it would just stress Lapis out. So she kept her mouth shut in favor of letting these feelings fester.

\-----------------------------------------

Lapis didn't come back that lunch. She'd texted Peridot to apologize and that she'd see her in their last period class. They did, but they didn't have the chance to talk because their teacher was going over how to properly build literary suspense for the whole hour. 

When class was over they walked to their lockers hand and hand while Peridot tried to think of a good way to ask what happened. Apparently she didn't have to.

"So lunch was weird. Are you happy that I talked to them?" Lapis asked, opening her locker.

"Yeah, I am. How did it go?" The blonde asked, feeling a bit weird about how uncomfortable this was making her. This was what she wanted, wasn't it? She wanted Lapis to have friends.

"It was.. awkward. Tense, I guess. Buck and Sour Cream apologized for not talking to me. Jenny gave me her phone number and added me to their group chat even though I told her I never use my phone unless I'm talking to you. They want to be friends again. I don't know how to feel about it, and honestly it makes me a little sick." Lapis mumbled, shoving her books in her bag.

"Why? It could be a good thing. You were close to them before, right?" Peridot asked.

"Yeah.. But I'm not the same. The person that they remember was a fun loving thirteen-year-old that liked fart jokes and was totally clueless." Lapis sighed, closing her locker and turning to face Peridot, "The only time I'm even remotely the person they would remember is when it's just us."

"Well... You still like fart jokes, so that's a start." The blonde offered up meekly, "It's not like it has to be an instant thing, friendship doesn't always work like that. I'm still getting to know Garnet and Amethyst all the time. What would little Lapis think if you didn't even try?"

"That I'm a total bitch." The taller girl frowned, "Dammit, Per. Objective and rational got me again."

"It's okay, great and lovable's here for you." Peridot mused, wrapping her arms around her girlfriend and smiling, "Even if it doesn't work out you've always got me."

"Always.." Lapis murmured, returning the embrace.


	23. Chapter 23

What was it about love that made people possessive? It hurt Peridot's stomach to think about it as she sat outside on one of the benches outside of the taco stand. Amethyst was scarfing food down like there was no tomorrow with the blonde just stared down at the shells of her tacos that were surely getting soggier by the second.

"Dude, what's wrong?" Amethyst asked, "I'm going to eat your food if you keep looking at it like a sad sack instead of enjoying your meal."

"Lapis is with Jenny.." Peridot mumbled, letting out a large sigh, "You can have it. I don't think I can eat."

"So what if she's with Jenny? Didn't you want them to hang out and get along again?" Amethyst asked, rolling her eyes.

"Yeah, I did. But then it happened. I didn't know it was like this, Ame. I didn't know that not having all of her attention could make me feel this way. I feel annoyed.. and sad... and angry!"

"Dude, it's normal. It's your first relationship, right? You're jealous because for a while there Lapis was all your's and only your's. But you need to chill out, you don't want to be like Jasper do you?"

"Jealous, huh?" Peridot asked, looking confused, "What do you mean 'like Jasper'?"

"Yeah, dude. Jealous. Like envious she's not with you right now and instead she's with someone else." Amethyst shrugged, stealing the blonde's plate, "And I mean like Jasper... It's like this. So when Lapis joined the fights with all the girls, the girls wanted to chat with her. Lapis wasn't very interested in talking much, but she seemed okay with talking strategy and fighting moves.. Stuff like that. Jasper didn't like that. She'd pull Lapis away and scream at her, call her a slut and stuff like that."

"Is.. Is that why people wrote that stuff on her locker? And why Aqua said she slept around? It was all because Jasper told everyone Lapis was a cheater?" Peridot asked, fitting the pieces together. It had been a long time since she'd thought about those days Lapis would erase slurs from her locker. She had just sort of assumed it was because some people were shitty.

"Yeah, man. It was the easiest way to make people look at her badly. People already felt weird around her, but then suddenly she's a cheater too? She sleeps with anyone? That really made people not even think about talking to her anymore, unless they were creeps." Amethyst shrugged, "And anyone that didn't believe the rumors didn't want to talk to her because they didn't want to get dragged into the situation."

"It's not like that.. I would never do something like that. Even though it feels bad and I'm worried.. It's just because of my own insecurities. Lapis never did anything to make me feel like something would happen between her and Jenny.. The logical part of my mind knows that that would never happen! But.. I'm still scared." Peridot muttered, head hanging down as she stared at the ground.

"Then you should talk to her! You're probably just concerned because you know she's done the deed and you haven't yet-" Amethyst stopped short as she saw Peridot lift her head to reveal a red face, "No way! Noooooo!!! You didn't!!!"

Peridot covered her face with her hands as she solemnly nodded her head.

"With Lapis?! What happened!!? How.. How was it?" Amethyst took at her friend in awe, "Oh Peri, you're not a virgin anymore! And you didn't even tell me! I thought we were friends!"

"Of course with Lapis! And.. I don't know. It just sort of happened. It's not like there was a big event leading up to it or anything.. It was.. different than I thought it would be? I don't know.. It was amazing and special but.. at a point she looked so scared. I told her we could stop but she said no." Peridot murmured, kicking the legs of the table.

"Oh man.. That's heavy. Did she say why she was scared?" Amethyst asked, dropping the tacos back onto their tray.

"She said.. Because of everything from before and that.. She's never done anything with someone who never had before and she was worried. She was scared for me." Peridot sighed, pulling on her hair, "I wish I could take all that fear away. I want to show her a world full of good, but I don't know how to. I just want to make her happy..."

"You guys are in a messed up situation. Hate to say I told you so, so.. Pearl is so going to tell you so when she finds out about this." Amethyst replied, "And.. Don't be so stressed out Peri. Anybody could see that you make her happy. Even if it's totally creepy to us, she smiles because of you."

"Pearl is never going to find out about this! No one is. Just you, because we're friends." Peridot insisted, "A-And you know what?! You're right! I'm being a clod! I do make Lapis happy! And she loves me! She even said so herself a few times!"

"A few times? What the hell?" Amethyst asked.

"She's not.. She has a hard time saying it." Peridot blushed, "But it's so great when she does."

"You, my friend, are an idiot! But! You landed the wolf girl of your dreams and even sealed the deal! So, we are going back to my place and we are going to drink in celebration!" Amethyst cheered, getting up.

"I-I don't know, I don't really drink-"

"Today you do!"

\---------------------------------------------

"My girlfriends going to get drunk." Lapis deadpanned, sighing as she walked through the mall with Jenny, "I've never seen her drink and I'm stuck in shopping hell with you."

"Oh hush up! You're fine! Besides, don't you want to look cute when you see her again? We're almost done here anyways." Jenny retorted, grinning, "We just need to find that pre-teen girl's store. We have to find that Dr. Pepper lip-smacker that tints your lips red! We couldn't find it last time."

Lapis' eyes widened and she let out a little huff of a laugh, "Yeah, you're right. Let's hurry though."

It had felt weird being in a mall. Last time she was there she was with Jenny, too. She never went afterwards because it was in the next town over and there was never a point to going. And it was uncomfortable to know that the last time she stepped foot here she was thirteen with Jenny, Buck, and Sour Cream and she'd only gone to get ice cream and be the their cover so they could go on a date. When she was back there was no more laughing and screaming, no more stupid jokes between the four of them.

Back then by decree of their fathers the only people Lapis and Buck were allowed to date were each other, because status in society decreed that okay. The mayor's son and the chief of police's daughter should have been a perfect fit. They kissed once and decided it sucked, but that they could totally use this to their advantage. 

So Lapis used it as an excuse any time she was out doing something she wasn't supposed to, and Buck used it every time he wanted to see Sour Cream and Jenny. They were thick as thieves. Lapis didn't care that she was the third wheel because she had more fun with their group than she did with anyone else, and it helped that there was no way they'd ever make fun of her for liking girls.

That felt like a million years ago now. After being held captive, dating Jasper, and meeting Peridot... her life changed so much. And being here with Jenny didn't feel the same as before, but it was nice. Jenny was still fun-loving and laid back, which made it easy to have a good time with her. And like Peridot, Jenny didn't look at her like she was a walking train-wreck.

She just wanted to be Lapis' friend. She didn't care about how difficult that might be.

The found the store, buying several different kinds of flavored chapsticks. Lapis grinned, looking at the one that was Sprite flavored. Peridot was going to lose it over this thing, and she put it on when they got into Jenny's car.

They drove out to Amethyst's house and parted way since Jenny had to go to work at her grandma's pizza place, but she told Lapis to stop by later if she wanted since Buck and Sour Cream would be there too. Lapis wasn't so sure about hanging out with them again yet, but agreed to keep it in mind.

Lapis sighed, shooting Peridot a text that she was there before knocking on the door. She was mostly just looking forward to getting back home and kissing her girlfriend silly with this new soda pop chapstick. She wanted to be a normal, happy girl just like all the rest of them. 

Amethyst answered, a massive grin on her face, "Hey Lazuli! Come in, come in! We should play a game before you go!"

Lapis narrowed her eyes, but walked inside hesitantly anyways as Amethyst led her into her room. It was absolutely trashed, pizza boxes everywhere, clothes all over the floor, but filled with so much stuff it made it hard to walk around. But Peridot was sitting on the floor, controller in hand as she smiled at Lapis. It looked like they were playing racing games.

"You want me to play video games with you guys?" Lapis asked, walking over to Peridot. That could be fun. She wasn't the best at them, but it was fun playing games with Peridot, so why not? 

"No, no. I was thinking we could play spin the bottle." Amethyst mused, a big smirk on her face.

"Fuck no! Peridot's **my** girlfriend! We're leaving!" Lapis snapped, fists balling up immediately.

"Oh my star.. Amethyst was right! You get jealous too!" Peridot exclaimed, getting a little teared up as the smile on her face just got bigger.

"Chill out, Lazuli. I was just messing with you." Amethyst snorted, rolling her eyes, "It was just a joke."

Lapis glared down at Peridot, "A joke, huh? You think it's funny to joke like this?"

"Wha-What..? D-Don't be mad Lapis... We didn't want anything by it! I-It was just that I was so jealous all day a-and I didn't think you got jealous! So Amethyst said we could see and-"

"You think it's funny to mess with people's emotions?!" Lapis hissed.

It wasn't the glare on her girlfriends face or the anger behind her words that made Peridot realize that she had just really messed up. It was the hurt written all over the blue haired girl's face.

"N-No! I'm sorry! I-I didn't think about it I'm so sorry!" Peridot apologized, reaching up the grab her girlfriend's hand.

But Lapis ripped it away, growling through clenched teeth, "Don't touch me. I'm going home."

Amethyst didn't say anything as Lapis pushed past her and Peridot scrambled after her. 

When Jenny had dropped her off it started to rain, but now it was pouring. Lapis zipped up her jacket, oblivious to the noise around her as Peridot tried to call out her name.

Lapis' mind felt like a hurricane, anger and sadness whipping around in furious succession. It wasn't funny. If it was a joke then why couldn't she find herself laughing? It hurt, in a way she forgot something could. Her heart felt like it was made of stone, heavy in her chest. Was she stupid for thinking that Peridot was better than everyone else? That she could trust those green eyes, that big grin?

Eventually she found herself stopped in front of a lot; punching, kicking, and screaming at a tree. She wished this poor tree was the problem, and that she could just crush it beneath her.

She didn't stop until she felt a hand on her shoulder, turning quickly to face a stumbling Peridot. Lapis' eyes widened, reaching out to steady the blonde as Peridot proceeded to lurch forward and.. vomit all over the space in between them.

She watched Peridot's body shake, shivering in the cold as the blonde looked up at her with tear filled eyes. Dammit. Why did Peridot have to follow her? Why couldn't she have just stayed put in a warm, dry house where Lapis could be as angry at her as she wanted to be?

Nothing could be done about that now though. And no matter how mad Lapis was she wasn't going to leave Peridot to her own defenses while she was intoxicated. There was no way the blonde could go home like this either, her mom would be furious. The only half-decent option was taking Peridot home and helping her. And that option really sucked right now.

"You're really drunk, huh?" Lapis muttered, sighing as she pulled her hands away and ripped her jacket off. She helped Peridot put it on, and kneeled down in front of the blonde with her back turned.

"Get on, and hold on tight. We're almost back to my place. You can't go home like this." The blue haired girl murmured, hearing Peridot sniffling by her ear as the shorter girl complied.

Lapis rose to her feet, grabbing onto Peridot's legs in an attempt to better stabilize the drunk girl as she began their walk home. There was no point in going back to get the car since they were already half-way there, and to be honest the taller girl didn't want to deal with it any longer than necessary.

The weight slowed her, but she still got there twenty minutes later, pulling the door open. She carried Peridot upstairs to her room, setting her down on the bed. It was just a week ago that she was doing this for a totally separate reason and Lapis cursed the her of the past.

Peridot curled up on the taller girl's bed, tears still streaming as she tried once again to grab Lapis' hand, only for it to be pulled away again.

"I'm going to get you some food and some water. I'll be right back. Try to get your wet clothes off, I'll get you different ones." The blue haired girl murmured, before quickly heading downstairs in a sad retreat.

This was just normal person stuff, right? People got drunk and did stupid things they didn't mean. People made cruel jokes when they were being thoughtless. Lapis battled with her thoughts as she filled up a giant glass of water before turning and tossing some leftovers in the microwave.

These were things people did. There was no way that Peridot had meant to hurt her. She never would.. right? Lapis touched her cheek to catch the stray tear that fell, setting the water on the counter and scowling.

It was then that her eyes caught the pills in the cabinet. It wouldn't be strange for her to take her regular dose in a situation like this.. and maybe more than that wouldn't be too bad either. Just to get to sleep, right? It had been a long time anyways, right? And it's not like Peridot had any right to judge her for it tonight.

She found herself swallowing five of them without a second thought as the microwave beeped to signal it was done. She grabbed the water and food and headed back upstairs to find the blonde had curled up tighter, full on sobbing now.

Peridot was scared. She'd fucked it all up in her own ignorant, selfish behavior. She'd let her insecurities get fueled by alcohol and hurt the person she was supposed to protect, to care for. And now just like everyone else, she was going to lose Lapis. Moving was supposed to be a new chance, a new life. But she'd managed to screw that up too.

"Okay, I've got water and food. You should really have both, but whatever you can manage is fine." The taller girl mumbled, "You need to get those clothes off though, you'll catch a cold. And.. don't cry."

Lapis set everything down and leaned down to set a hand on the blonde's shoulder, "Don't cry, Per. We.. We'll figure all of this out in the morning. I need you to focus on feeling better."

" **W-We?** " Peridot murmured, rubbing her eyes, "There's still a we?"

"You and me. Us." Lapis confirmed, "It's a fight, Per. I'm mad at you, but...maybe you deserve the chance to say what you have to say. Maybe I deserve the chance to hear it. So I'll talk to you about it and we'll figure it out together. We owe it to each other. Now please take those clothes off and eat something."

Peridot bit her lip, and pulled off the offending garments, surprised to have Lapis offer her a big t-shirt only, but relieved not to have to deal with bottoms right now since the more she moved around the dizzier she got.

"What time is it?" Peridot asked, chugging some water. Had it always tasted this good? She didn't even remember being thirsty.

"Nine. I already texted your mom." Lapis replied, looking at the clock before pulling off her own clothes to change as well. She opted for a beat up shirt and a pair of pajama bottoms.

"Thank you... for all of this." The blonde groaned, pulling the blankets up to cover her chest before stabbing into the leftovers with her fork.

"I have splinters in my knuckles." Lapis mumbled, looking at her bruised and bloody fists. She pulled the first aid kit out of her closet and turned the small lamp sitting on her table on, plucking the splinters out in favor of responding right away. She didn't know what to say to a "thanks". She was still mad and her medicine hadn't started to kick in yet so she wasn't exactly in the best place with wanting to talk to Peridot.

Mostly Lapis just wanted to be alone. It was what she always did when she was hurt. She hid by herself, where the thing that could hurt her was her mind. There was a peace to being isolated. But she couldn't be right now. Peridot needed her, and she couldn't bring herself to leave the blonde all alone when she was sick. Tomorrow could be a different story.

"I-I'm really sorry. I didn't know she was going to say something like that I swear. She just said she was going to prove that you could be jealous too." Peridot murmured, "It was stupid."

"It was." Lapis retorted, bandaging her hands before turning the light off and sitting on the floor beside her bed.

"I don't want to lose you.. Am I going to lose you?" Peridot asked, voice shaking as she stared at her girlfriend.

"I'm not going anywhere. Get some rest and we'll talk about it in the morning." Lapis replied, turning her head to look out the window.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the second update today so make sure you read the last one first!

Lapis sighed, ripping into the putty in her hands as Rose stared at her. The older woman had been staring at her for the past five minutes after handing her the putty and getting her to stop digging her fingernails into her legs.

"So did you want me to start, or are you going to?" Rose asked, her words careful and delicate. It pissed Lapis off. Her relationship with her therapist was lukewarm at best. The blue haired girl hated digging through the past, processing her issues. But she kept going because she'd found a while back that these appointments were necessary to make progress.

"I fucked up. Surprise, surprise.." Lapis muttered, kneading the putty in her hands, "It was shitty. I.. lost it. It was just a joke, I guess. If I was 'normal' I'd get it. It wouldn't have been a big deal. But I'm crazy so I freaked out."

"We don't use the word 'crazy' Miss Lazuli. You know that." Rose mused, "Tell me, how did you 'lose it'."

"I.. I went over to Amethyst's to pick up Peridot. They'd been drinking and Amethyst said we should play spin the bottle. Apparently it was a test to see if I would get jealous. I got a lot more than jealous though.. I just.. My mind went wild. I took it seriously. And.. what the fuck?! Why?! Again! I get it! I get it! I'm trash! I'm worth absolutely nothing and I don't get a say! Nobody owes my their fucking fidelity because.. because I'm not good enough for it.." Lapis tore the putty in half, biting down on her lip hard.

"You thought about Jasper. You thought it was serious. You thought they were being cruel." Rose stated, jotting down some notes. That pissed off Lapis too. She hated that stupid catalog of her madness.

"Then Peridot got all smiley and Amethyst said it was just a joke... To 'chill out'. And I started to lose it.. I yelled at Peridot. She tried to apologize, to grab my hand.. I told her not to touch me and left." Lapis continued, ripping off tiny bits of putty in her lap, "It was worse and worse.. I couldn't stop thinking! If I was normal this would have never happened! It would have been a joke! It would have been funny! But I'm not! I'm fucked up and ruined and wrong!"

Rose frowned, watching the young girl break down into a pit of self-loathing as every scream got louder and louder. The older woman took down more notes.

"I.. Hit a tree. A lot. Busted up my hands. I felt stupid. I trusted her! Is this just another addition to the long list of fuck ups?! But no! It was worse! Because she followed me! All the way through the rain, drunk! Because she felt bad! B-Because she didn't mean it.. And she didn't want to hurt me.. It was just a joke.." Lapis curled her knees into her chest, digging her fingernails into her shins.

"Use the putty Lapis." Rose said, trying to tread hostile water with the unstable girl, "Keep going. You're doing great."

"I hate you." Lapis hissed, grabbing the pieces of putty and rolling them back together as she tried to control her breathing, "I hate this."

"That's okay." Rose smiled, "It's okay to not like the process. Now keep going."

"So I knew she was drinking, but I didn't realize she was drunk until she followed me and puked all over the sidewalk.. I took her back to my place and took care of her. I just wanted to go hide... But she needed me." Lapis murmured, "But I was still mad. I don't know if I'm still mad."

"Because you're still a little high?" Rose asked, watching the grimace form on Lapis' face. After years of being a trauma specialist it wasn't hard to tell when people were abusing their medication. Her knowledge of Lapis' addiction was nothing new since Peridot had urged her to come clean about it along with what had happened with Jasper.

"I-I'm not sure." Lapis admitted, staring down at the ground to avoid eye contact with Rose, "I was going to say something. It was just at the end of my list of fuck ups is all..."

"I'm going to swap your anxiety medication out if you're going to abuse them again. We talked about this. It halts your progress when you don't work through how you feel. You know this. You remember how difficult it was in the beginning to think. You hated it. You said it felt like a different sort of prison. What happened to that girl?" Rose asked.

"I won't do it again." Lapis muttered, "That girl was an idiot that didn't realize that some prisons are better than others. Easier to live with than the ones she was put in or the ones she made."

"I don't like this train of thought. And, bare with me, I've been thinking about this for a while now but I believe it will be in your best interest if we change your medication again." Rose said slowly, "After everything you finally told me about Jasper and everything else about the way you've been processing your thoughts I think it's possible that we should have done this a while ago."

"Wh-What?! No!" Lapis shrieked, jumping to her feet, "No! Not again! N-No.. It took so long to find something that worked!"

"But it doesn't work anymore. And that's okay. I know it's difficult to go through the changes but ultimately if it's better for you in the end it's worth it." Rose said, watching the girl dissolve into tears.

"N-No.. Please don't! P-Please.. I-It makes it worse!" Lapis pleaded, sinking down to her knees, "I-I can do better.."

"I'm sorry, Lapis. This is for what's best. Finish up the rest of the medication you have then start taking these." Rose replied, shaking her head, "I'm afraid our time is up. I'll see you next week."

Lapis stood up slowly, ripping the new prescriptions out of Rose's hands on her way out. She rushed out of the building, unable to stop the flow of tears as she starting the long walk to the pharmacy.

\-----------------------------------------------

Peridot woke up some time around ten to an empty room and a note from Lapis saying she had to see Rose today. The blonde had forgotten it was their day. It used to be once every two weeks, but it had become once a week after Lapis had started to open up more about Jasper.

Peridot sighed, looking down at the bed. At the end of it the clothes she wore yesterday were folded with another note saying they'd been washed and dried. Her head hurt, but when she looked over at the table she saw a fresh glass of water with some over the counter pain relievers.

If she hadn't already felt horrible now she really did. Lapis brought her home, took care of her, and made the morning easy for her. The taller girl had texted her mom to make sure she wouldn't get in trouble after she had to carry her all the way here. She slept on the floor next to Peridot all night.

Peridot wondered when Lapis would be home. Her appointments were in the morning and normally she would be back right now. But after last night things weren't normal. She was scared they wouldn't be their special brand of normal again.

She got up and got ready for the day. The blonde was in the kitchen brewing coffee when she heard the door creak open. She watched Lapis walk into the kitchen with red eyes and a big bag from the pharmacy.

"A-Are you okay?" Peridot asked as Lapis walked over to the counter and set the bag down.

"No." Lapis mumbled, leaning against the counter, "I'm not okay."

The blonde frowned, hesitating before eventually getting closer to her girlfriend and giving her a cautious hug.

Lapis' body felt stiff, but she didn't push her away. Slowly she raised her arms up and wrapped them around Peridot as well, resting her head against the blonde's.

"I'm sorry. For last night, and for everything else. I'm a major fuck up."

Peridot's lips quivered at the words and she felt tears welling up in her eyes, "No, it was all my fault!"

"It wasn't. It was because of me. Because I'm messed up. You.. shouldn't make jokes like that, but I shouldn't have gone off on you." Lapis sighed, "You didn't mean to hurt me, right?"

"Never!" Peridot cried, tears freeing themselves from her eyes, "I never wanted to hurt you!"

"I'm sorry Per. Next time please just talk to me when you feel like that." Lapis murmured, pressing her lips against the blonde's collar bone.

"O.. Okay. I will." Peridot sniffled, relishing the comfort of the kiss and the embrace. It made her feel like everything was going to be okay. Lapis still wanted to be close to her, to kiss her.

Peridot pulled away to wipe her eyes and her nose. Lapis turned to the cabinet to grab a mug, a weak smile on her face as she turned back to the shorter girl.

"Can your terrible girlfriend have some coffee too?"

"No, but my good girlfriend can." Peridot smiled a bit as well, grabbing the coffee pot and filling both the mugs.

"Oh? Where are you hiding her?" Lapis mused, looking around as the blonde scoffed.

"Right here!" Peridot declared indignantly as she leaned up and stole a kiss from the taller girl.

"I love you."

The blonde froze before a big smile broke out on her face. There was that feeling again. That incredible, invincible feeling that could only be created by hearing that the person you love feels the same way. Would there ever be a time where hearing those words from Lapis wouldn't make the whole world stop in the best way?

"I love you too."

They spent the rest of their day sitting close and talking about their insecurities. They discussed their worries and their fears. Even though it hurt to bring everything up it felt so good to be open and honest with each other.

Lapis promised that she'd do her best to keep her emotions in check and Peridot promised to be more open with her's. 

They ended their night with super spicy ramen and a movie that they ignored in favor of kissing.


	25. Chapter 25

"What happened to your hand?" Amethyst asked, narrowing her eyes at the bandages. Lapis and Peridot's weekend was up and the blonde was nervous to deal with whatever Amethyst had told everyone had happened on Friday. Her girlfriend didn't appear to care, busing herself with reading Dracula at their lunch table.

"I punched a tree." Lapis deadpanned, not taking her eyes from her novel. She wanted to finish this project as quickly as possible so it was one less thing to worry about when her medication switched over. 

Her locker was packed with assignments for the very same reason. She asked all her teachers for the next few weeks worth of material to try to get through as much of it as possible and because she wouldn't be able to school if everything was really bad.

"A tree, huh?" Amethyst muttered, looking over at Peridot, "So you're fine?"

"What? Of course I am." The blonde replied, taking a bite of her sandwich.

"I believe she's trying to imply that I hit you." Lapis said, turning the page in her book without missing a beat.

Peridot dropped her sandwich, shooting a glare at her friend, "Seriously? You think I wouldn't say something? You think Lapis would hurt me?"

"She hurt Jasper." Pearl interjected, "What's supposed to make you any different?"

"This is moronic. Let's go, Lapis." Peridot scowled, and grabbed her girlfriend's hand. The taller girl just hummed in agreement, letting her girlfriend lead her out of the cafeteria. They walked out to the front of the school, sitting behind the big concrete sign that read the name of the establishment.

"Can we talk?" Peridot sighed, hugging her knees close to her.

"Yeah." Lapis set her book down, "Shoot."

"Well.. I mean.. Why did you and Jasper get together?" The blonde mumbled, looking away.

"Hard to say. When everything started it was just because she wouldn't leave me alone. We'd gotten into a fight behind a convenience store right before I went back to school. After she noticed we went to the same school she followed me around and talked to me." The blue haired girl sighed, "But I guess nothing really began until I was going to jump off the school building. She caught me and freaked out. Pulled me off the ledge and screamed at me. She smacked me really hard and told me her mom killed herself and 'how dare I make her see another scene like that'. Then she kissed me. She was totally insane, and I liked that because it meant I wasn't the only crazy one."

"So she's an obsessive stalker with mommy issues?" Peridot asked, pulling at the grass next to them.

"Jasper's a lot of things. Everyone is." Lapis replied, "But this isn't all you want to know. So why did you really ask?"

"We're so different. Jasper and I. Before I wasn't concerned about the why or how of how you felt about me because I just wanted you to want me. I always knew I was better than her because she hurt you. But I never thought about how you felt for each other or anything. I'm nothing like her." The shorter girl frowned, staring at the ground, "So why are you with me?"

"Why would I want you to be like her? We hurt each other because we could. It was.. terrible." Lapis scooted closer to the blonde, wrapping an arm around her, "Being with you is like coming up for air. Not just from Jasper, but from everything. You're so.. kind. And when you're happy it's like the sun coming out from the clouds, warm and inviting. You're clever but not cruel. You try to be gentle with people's feelings even if you don't understand them. And I just.. love you. I like you, more than anyone else. You're the person I want to be with. Is that okay?"

Peridot tried to stop the smile from creeping up on her face but she couldn't. The blonde nodded her head, "Yeah, that's okay. I love and like you too."

\---------------------------------------

Peridot's jaw dropped as Lapis unloaded all the work from her overfilled backpack. This wasn't even everything. They'd left behind half of it because it couldn't fit in either of their bags along with every textbook and notebook.

"You're planning to get all of that done this week?" The shorter girl asked, looking down at the table flooded with assignments.

"Hopefully most of it. I don't know what it's going to be like this time, but I don't want to fall behind when we're so close to graduating.." Lapis murmured, putting the assignments in piles based off of the subjects.

"You're worried.. Is it really bad?" Peridot frowned, "So there anything I can do to help?"

"Last time.. was really bad. And the time before that, and the time before that. I don't react very well to having my medication changed." The taller girl mumbled, "There's not really anything to do. But if I tell you to go away.. Do that. It won't be because I hate you or don't want to be with you."

"Oh.. okay. So it's fine to come over here after school to see you?"

"Yeah, that should be fine. I'll give you the spare key because I might be sleeping when you come over."

\---------------------------------------

Lapis looked downright sad on Friday and Peridot didn't know what to say or do. Was there anything she could do? She knew that it was because of the change in medication. Lapis had become progressively more anxious and depressed over the course of the week as Saturday got closer and closer. 

When lunch came around Lapis felt exhausted. It was her last day to get as much work done without whatever obnoxious mental demons she was worried would pop up. Her last day to eat food she knew she'd be able to stomach for a while. Her last day to be around Peridot and be able to have peace of mind knowing that she could control herself even if something bad happened.

They grabbed their food and walk over to the table with everyone else.

"Lazuli you look like you're walking to the guillotine! Lighten up a bit, it's Friday!" Amethyst exclaimed.

"Wooo. Party." Lapis mumbled, pulling out her math textbook and getting to solving equations.

"What have you been studying so hard for anyways?" Pearl muttered, glaring at the blue haired girl.

"It's none of your fucking business Pearl, but I won't be here next week so I'm trying to get as much work done as I can. I know it really shatters your crappy opinion of me to think I'm good in any way, shape, or form but I care about my grades just like I care about your cousin." Lapis sighed, stabbed her fruit salad with her fork.

Pearl scoffed, but left it alone after seeing the glare on Peridot's face. All of this was really starting to stress the blonde out as well. It was hard to be there for someone when you didn't know how to be and you couldn't really do much. She felt helpless and that felt stressful too because she knew this wasn't even going to be the worst part.

\--------------------------------------------

They went back to Lapis' house after school. Peridot was going to stay the night since she hadn't been able to all week. As soon as they got there Lapis clung to her like her life depended on it. She didn't mind it too much, but it worried her a bit. It wasn't like their usual touchy-feely behavior. It was like back when they were friends after what happened with Jasper.

Like her girlfriend was scared and trying to grasp onto Peridot like she was the only bit of sanity to be found. It broke the blonde's heart to see Lapis so terrified and to not understand why it was such a bad thing. She understood that a change in medications could be an adjustment, but she'd never known anyone that had gone through it personally. Especially not psych medication.

"What are you so afraid of?" Peridot asked, looking down at her girlfriend's glum face. The blonde was sitting on the couch and Lapis was laying across it with her head in the shorter girl's lap as the TV played in the background.

"Myself. All this medication.. keeps me in check. It makes it so I'm not.. as bad as I really am. That and the therapy. Those are the things that hold my psyche together. Without them.. things get bad. When they put me on everything I hated it and I felt terrible, but when we found something that worked things got better. I stopped seeing things and I could keep my temper in check. I didn't want to die as much." Lapis murmured, digging her nails into her arm, "I'm scared of what I'll do when I'm not fully in control."

"Seeing things? What do you see?"

"Figures.. They're like shadow people. They try to touch me. I thought they were real. Rose says they're hallucinations that fit into my delusions. That it's because of being abducted and everything that happened. We did our best to work on the delusions, and I don't typically have them all at anymore but they're still ingrained in me. The more in touch I am with my delusions the more out of touch I am with reality and I start hallucinating."

"You never said anything about it." Peridot murmured, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I don't like to talk about it. Everyone already knows I'm crazy. And it's better not to think about it anyways and just deal with it when it comes up. The antipsychotics manage it for the most part, and when they don't I'm supposed to take my anxiety medication just like when I start to have panic attacks." Lapis sighed, curling up, "I guess I was just worried. I'm already so messed up and I.. I know someday you're going to leave me because of it. I just want to put that off for as long as possible."

Peridot's eyes widened as Lapis burrowed her face into the blonde's stomach. She hadn't realized that the blue haired girl got scared they would break up too. She never really thought Lapis would worry about something like that. The blonde always saw her girlfriend as being strong and unconcerned about things like relationships. 

Sometimes she worried that Lapis was only with her to appease her, even though she knew that was highly improbable. She knew that Lapis never would have been willing to do anything sexual without being pressured into it unless she wanted to. She knew Lapis would never just say she loved someone if she didn't. But even knowing these things.. she worried. Apparently Lapis did too.

It would appear that she'd forgotten that under everything Lapis was still just a teenage girl that worried about normal things like her girlfriend not wanting to be with her anymore. She was seeing a delicate, fragile part of her girlfriend right now. This was.. intimacy.

Lapis kept her face hidden. She felt naked. Saying all of this to Peridot was terrifying. They said they were going to be honest and open. She wanted to honor that, but waiting for Peridot to say something was scary in a way she hadn't experienced before. Suddenly she felt the shorter girl's arms wrapped around her tightly.

"I'm not going to leave you. Even if you're crazy.. I'm crazy for you! And I'm not going anywhere!"

Lapis' heart stopped, cheeks feeling hot as turned her face to look at the blonde.

"Y-You're blushing!" Peridot gasped, announcing the obvious much to her girlfriend's displeasure. Lapis scowled, and got up to retreat only to have Peridot grab her hand lightly. The taller girl's eyes widened at the grasp, looking down at their loosely connected hands.

No one had ever tried to stop her from going away like this. It was always forceful or painful. But this was as if she was barely being touched. This was something entirely new.

"Don't go. I like it. Please sit back down."

Lapis felt herself obliged to comply, setting down next to her girlfriend and covering her cheeks.

"I-I can't help it. You were being a sap." Lapis muttered, glaring at the carpeted floor.

"And you liked it!" Peridot mused, grinning as she leaned into close.

"And I liked it.." Lapis whispered back before their lips met and her cheeks lit up again.

That night Peridot learned that her scary, wolfish girlfriend was just as nervous and scared as she was. And also that she could be very, very cute.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to ask any questions/voice your opinion here or on Tumblr. I have the same username there.


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